foggy.

today is the 16th.....for about twenty more minutes anyways. 15 months ago today sleeping beauty went to sleep, she never woke up. I can hardly even think about that, it's hard sometimes to wrap my mind around that idea. My girl got herself ready for bed, knowing that she had to be to work the next day, got into bed, and fell wide asleep. I never even got to tell her goodbye. I never got to make sure she knew that I love her. It would be so easy to be bitter, to be swallowed up in regret, or want vengeance, but it wouldn't take the pain away that losing her has clawed it's way into my heart. I know I will see her again, but right now, I want to see her. I literally think about her too much maybe. I have 4 other children who are alive and here, right now, I just can't help but feel guilty sometimes still even if I'm laughing or enjoying something. I have conversations in my head with her all the time, like, all day long. I told her today sometimes I think that I forget that I am still amongst the living. I get lost in thought, in listening to music, in lyrics, in crying, in missing and feel like in losing her I have become so much more of a loner than I ever was before. I have to remember sometimes that I'm not alone. I've lived 15 months with her gone, deep breaths, big sighs, heavy heart, I can do this. right?

empire of dirt.

Have a little listen to two of my loves. Corbin and Brenna recorded this the other night. I am so in love with the fact that my children give me such lovely things to listen to and that they all have such a huge love and passion for music. My kids have been thru alot over the past year and each one of them has dealt with losing Alyssa in different ways, and each one has felt her loss in different ways but the common thread between all of them is that they just miss her, they miss her intensely, they miss her deeply. We have all found different ways to deal with her being gone, and I love, I mean seriously LOVE that my kids have found their way of dealing thru music. It's a healing agent.

 Yesterday Brenna picked up her cat Mumfords ashes because she had him cremated when he died....and she sat in the car holding the little box and just cried. She said that she was just so sick of it....so dang sick of it. She showed them to me and it hit me..its crazy the things that pop into mind. I sat there...looking at his ashes...and thought about how a little over a year ago I could have said, "I have never seen what cremation remains look like" I know that sounds kind of morbid...but its true, its something I could have said. Yah, could have said...now, in the past year, I've seen 4. FOUR

Flesh and bones. At the end of the day whats left isn't your loved one but just merely the body, the shell that their soul took up residence in to walk this life. They live on outside of the flesh and bones that wear and tear over time. Some don't even make it to the point of wearing and tearing but their short time of residency was lived with just as much passion, love, and intensity. They loved and they were loved. They had an impact. Alyssa lives on in her son who turned 5 today. Wherever he is right now, whatever he's doing, I pray that Alyssa is enjoying a little piece of his day with him. Happy Birthday Jack Vincent. She will forever be a part of you. Something that no one will ever be able to take away. She's still right here. Some day you will hear all about her. i love you.

thankful.

I start this blog right now sitting in my room at my computer desk, listening to the sounds of my little home. I am thankful for all of these sounds and voices even though at times I feel as though my head could explode from all of the noise...it's late and Brenna just got home from work and now everyone is home and everyone is still awake. I hear a banjo being played by Corbin in one of the bedrooms, I hear Brenna giving Dominic exact directions on what to do with the things on the ledge that need to be taken downstairs, one of which is a bag of cat poop from the literbox that Brenna just cleaned out. Dominic walked by and asked me if I wanted some "dung" No thank-you Dom, I'm good in the dung department, but thank-you and I hear Lucas coming up the stairs singing the lyrics..."bury my heart next to yours...." lyrics from a Mumford and Sons song. I look up and see Alyssa's happy smiling face and am both torn because shes not here but so grateful for all five of them. I am grateful for each of their faces and hearts, I am thankful that God blessed me with 5 truly creative, passionate and artful souls. Where will their paths take them? My heart is torn tonight, another holiday without Alyssa. That always sounds so final but its a reality that I am faced with at the arrival of each holiday on the calendar. I miss my girl so much, I miss her ability to keep the peace. I miss her sweet voice and the past couple of days when Brenna has been talking to me, I have heard Alyssa SO much in her voice, it's crazy. Tonight I reflect on what's happened since last year at this time and will forever try to take from it lessons and a gratefulness for the time that I do get to have with my family, with all of their perfect imperfections.

 I actually did a session this morning with my own kids! Amazing! Those will come soon!

Mumfs.

Sadness and loss has struck our family yet once again. Mumford. He had to be put down yesterday, again Brenna had to make that hard decision to have him put down because he was suffering so badly. Her poor little Mumfs. She loved him beyond words. She loves all of her boys. Marcus, Malachi and Mumford. Malachi and Mumford were brothers from the same liter, they were super close and Malachi sat with him all day yesterday until we could take Mumford to the vet, he knew something was wrong with his brother, and today, I can tell he knows that something is different. To know the bond that Brenna has with her cats, you have to know how much this has crushed her yet once again, remember she just did this 3 months ago with Muriel. I am happy that I was able to take these pictures of her and her Mumfs during their last bit of time together. It was a very special time. He didn't look very sick but he was very sick. His fever was over 105 and he had all of the symptoms pointing to a very bad infection and disease.  My heart aches for Brenna, she has had so much loss happen over the past year. Grow stronger from this Brenna. I love you and your boys SO much!    

sick kitty.

There is a sick kitty in our house and it's breaking my heart. A couple of days ago Mumford started acting a little off and keeps going and hiding, doesn't really want to eat or drink too much and is just really lethargic. It's not really like him and Brenna is really scared that he may have what Muriel died from which was called FIP. She is taking him in this afternoon to have him looked at. Poor Brenna, it's been one thing after another for her...I am praying that whatever it is that's wrong with him can be treated and he will back to his usual little self again soon. Malachi would be so lonely without his brother. Look at how comforting he's being to his sick little brother.

Malachi and Mumford.

 

Mumford and Sons

So! Those who read this blog or even slightly know me know that I love Mumford and Sons and knows that Brenna and I went to see them this past Saturday! Amazing!! I didn't take a ton of pictures of the day because we were too busy being super cool at the Hollywood Bowl hearing super great music but here are a few

So that was driving into LA. Buildings buildings and more buildings! It's cool and all however I wouldn't want to live there, {sorry to all of you LA dwellers, the big city just isn't for me}

 

LET US IN!

 

They really were awesome and we met some very cool people who were sitting around us. I forgot that the Hollywood Bowl is an outdoor venue and Brenna only had on a tank top and a flannel shirt...we were FREEZING but it was so worth it, we froze right along with everyone else, once Mumford and Sons started up, we stood up and stood the entire 2 hours! I didnt feel my toes for over two hours but so what, who cares? They sang so much, and Brenna was able to yell to Marcus Mumford to tell him that she named her cats after him...now whether he heard her or not, who knows, but she got to tell him and that's all that mattered to her :) She kinda sorta has a crush on the fella. I love that they have such a snazzy dressed fan-base, really I do. I didn't see one pair of saggy pants in the whole place! Hip Hip!! If you haven't listened to them yet...give their new album Babel some earttention. Get it? No but really....listen to them! I have video, but Ill spare you, only because I didn't get time to upload it, but they sang Lucas's favorite song and I told Lucas that I yelled from the crowd and asked them to sing Below My Feet for Lucas and so they did. (at least thats what I told Lucas) and he thinks its true and said, "Ohhh thats so cool" He wants a kick drum and I bet you he gets one! LOVE.

The day after.

I've had about a trillion different things going thru my head over the past couple of days that I have wanted to write about, some concerning the elections, some other topics but you know, after sitting here and reading thru my stream on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter...etc...I think that the slinging of opinions can take a little rest,I myself am responsible for putting a few zingers out there into social network world and right now, where it stands the 44th President has been elected and whether you voted for him or not, whether you believe in everything he says, now, the mission should be to be an example to the younger generation of voters who are watching and listening to all of this back and forth going on, some who are being told that they should hate Romney or hate Obama {depending on who their parents voted for} Everyone can't win, everyone can't have their way. Tis life and reality but how we choose to react when our "team" doesn't win is what matters a whole lot. I've read some pretty nasty stuff from both sides and it saddens me that people who appeared to be friends in both real life or "cyber life" have become bitter enemies over this whole election, LOVE one another. It's that simple. Allow others to have their opinion as you project yours but at the end of the conversation/debate/whatever let it be done there and walk away remaining friends. While things may not be going exactly the way that some may have wanted, that is where faith comes in, having faith that the God who created this world is still here watching over it. I just truly know, that after losing Alyssa, how very short life is, even if you live to be 100, in the grand scheme of it all, life is still short. And so with that being said, I want to live my life with as little sadness, negativity, anger, rudeness, cruelness that I possibly can and would rather fill my days with as much faith, hope and love that I possibly can pack into each day. I love all of my friends, Obamaians and Romneyians alike. At the end of the day I'd just like to sit and have a cup of coffee with every one of you and talk about nothing that has to do with politics but everything that has to do with nail polish, music, our kids, our photography, our blahs and our ahhhs! And come on peeps, Pot was legalized in Colorado and Washington last night {Anddd putting the lid back on to that can of worms I just opened} :) I have really been thinking alot LOT lately how I feel like it's time to make a move of some sort, my heart feels like its wandering, kind of like it soaring and it's looking for a new place to land. I'll explain more later.
 


this is one of the only videos I could find of this song that didn't have a ton of Twilight stuff in it. Next week the new vote starts...Team Edward or Team Jacob. Everyone play nice.

365 days.

21.4.11


I typed the above numbers over a half hour ago.
I typed them, turned on some music....and sat. Literally sat here staring at the blinking curser.
Listening to the music, and staring at the numbers that make up the amount of time that she was here,
living, breathing, aware. The amount of time that she was able to experience the things around her. She experienced being born, crawling, biting {oh do I ever remember when she went thru that biting phase}, she learned that she would love animals, all the while she was here she loved them. Arthur, her first pet rat, she would sneak him to school in her book bag, he would ride on her shoulder when she rode her bike, later she would find a cat, a little black cat with an extra little claw on each paw...she named him Jinx....Mr. Jinx, she potty trained him to go outside so no litter box! She got squirrels to eat out of her hand and once while we were at Sea World for her 16th birthday....she took a penguin. I should say she tried, she had him in her arms but Nico made her realize how that might get her into a bit of trouble if she actually tried to go thru the gates with him. She had a cat that she found in Big Bear, well I think they found each other shortly after Jinx died...Alyssa named her Charlotte, she loved that cat and while we were on our way moving from California to Florida Charlotte ran away at one of our gas stops, but we found her, made it to Florida and shortly thereafter Alyssa found out that Charlotte was a boy....ummmm yah...so Hello Charlie...after that she/he ran away and that was that.
Over the course of her life she had many pets and loved them all.

She experienced learning to read, which she did at such an early age, once Nico walked in on her while she was going to the bathroom, she couldnt have been more than about 3 and she was sitting there, reading a golf magazine...Nico asked her what she was reading about she answered, "About chippin" And she was right, that's exactly what it was about.

She experienced swimming, and laughing and playing with her cousins, bubble baths, Littlest Pet Shops, singing, learning to play the piano, church, learning Bible verses, flying,traveling, Disneyland, sledding, snowfalls and fireworks, baking and arting with Lucas, walks with Dominic, make-up times with Brenna, talks with Corbin, the Sopranos, Family Guy, About a Boy and Muriels Wedding. Angelas Ashes and Gerard Way. Christmas and Halloween, her two favorite holidays, oh she loved them. Jack Skelington, Edward Scissor Hands.

She felt the sun, the wind, the ocean, happiness, love, excitement, newness, grace, cool breezes on her soft white freckled cheeks, and kisses on her little rosebud lips, driving down the road with the window down and the wind in her hair, she felt her Fathers love and protection, she saw sunsets and sunrises, she went to the movies, mountains, she love love LOVED new paper and pens. She lived and she had a voice.
She experienced so much in her short time here....some of the things that she experienced have made me question at times what this life is all about and why do some people have to feel these things, why at the hands of someone else did she have to feel scared, violated and utterly dark? Why at such a young age did she have to feel such horrors? Why did she have to feel like she was all alone?

She grew up from that little girl into a teenager and the things that she would experience would be a different kind of list of experiences.
She experienced being scared. lonliness, teasing, bullying, meaness, cutting and throwing up. She experienced hospitals, and sadness. I think for the most part, her teen years were black and blue. Overall hurtful. Who was once my little girl, was now this girl who was so broken and anxious, fretful, aching and mourning for her happy childhood that was lost along her journey. Someone took her lifes path and just tore it all to pieces, they hacked it up and destroyed what was instilled in her. She spent most of her teen years trying so hard to repair her path, to make sense of things, to figure out what was going on, to just find a peace and a place where she was happy within herself and that that peace would be just what it took to get her to the next chapter.

When I would look into her eyes...as a mother, I always knew I wasnt going to have her for a long time. I just knew. As a mother you sit and imagine what your children will be like as adults, and I never saw her. I would get scared and confused because no matter how hard I would try, she was never there.
I always felt as though she was going to leave young. I think I lived alot of my days waiting for "the call" I knew eventually she would be taken, I just knew it. She knew it too. My sweet Alyssa was a little flicker......she wanted so badly to burn bright, to live life to the fullest, to be young and free spirited, to do her art, to have her own place, to have us over, to be proud of herself, her foundation was a little cracked, but not completely broken.

She lived a life that had an amazing soundtrack I will say this.
I don't have a laundry list of all of these accomplishments that she had while here, no books full of ribbons or shelves covered in awards or achievements but to me, to me, she was incredible. She made me happy, she made me laugh, she made me a mom, she showed me so much about myself without even knowing that she was showing me all of this, she experienced childbirth and motherhood while she was here, she gave of herself. She gave a gift to someone that I dont think they will ever quite realize how hard it was for her to do. I hope someday they realize the grandness of Jack, and where he comes from. That little boy is meant to be. Someday....somehow there will be day that I will get to sit and tell him all about her. One of the last things that she said to me was, "Im going to make you proud of me, someday Im going to have my own place and have you over" I was proud of her, with or without her own place. She had a kind heart and at the end of the day I would take that over anything.

A couple days have passed since I started writing this, yesterday I spent the entire day in bed sicker than I have been in a long time, I couldn't help but think of her even more so, I thought this is how she left us, asleep in bed, I thought of how the night that she climbed into bed to go to sleep, to wake up the next morning for work...she had no idea that that is as far as she would go. I want to remember her happy, singing, drawing, laughing and living.

Today is one year.
It's the first thing I thought of when I woke up this morning. How a year ago today my life took a turn. I won't say for the worse because it hasnt been. I have lived and learned so much about myself in losing Alyssa...no regrets.

This song is a good ending to this blog.
We used to sing this and dance around the living room.
I love you Lyss.

October weekend.

I did something that I haven't done practically since I got my iphone which has been ages..and that was to take my camera out of its bag and just set it on my desk and try using it on my own family and life. I was looking thru my Flickr account and forgot how often I used to take just every day pictures of my own family, I need to get back into that ritual, less iPhone, more real. I guess if I wanted to be even more "real" I would get a film camera, but hey, baby steps. Here is a tiny bit of my weekend, actually a very tiny bit.

 

This would be Corbin, he's very funny about me taking pictures of him and I tried sneaking some of him while he was in my room playing the guitar and he caught me so he did this. Yah. nice. Thankyou Corbin.

   

 me. looking a little not so joyous. maybe sometimes I dont want to look joyous?

 

but then its ok because shortly after that I felt very joyous laying next to my little Lukie.

some oldies.