goodnight goodnight

Goodnight my sweet girl.

Tomorrow would have been a day you woke up, alive, and 25.

Wow. That sound's brutal.

Happy Birthday my gorgeous girl, my forever young Alyssa.

I've struggled with a crap ton this year, for some reason, this one almost seems harder, perhaps this

next year it will get better?

I feel like it will.

I've worked so hard to keep you alive in my heart, your memory, your existence, your name

on the tip of my tongue all the time, I say "worked" because it has been a struggle, a balancing

act in a way....the whole trying to be here in the now but finding myself constantly dipping into the

past, to relive something...anything with you....my life now consist of "before Alyssa" "after Alyssa"

Geez Lyss..I will forever count it as a gift that the last thing you said to me was, "I love you"

25 years ago tomorrow I birthed you.. you were this precious innocent little ball

of squishy goodness with rose-bud lips and the happiest disposition ever. I remember thinking, If all babies are this easy, I'll have a ton of them.

My God....had I known that very day....the day you were born that I would have 22 years 4 months and 11 days with you...I think about that often...if we all knew the number of our days, how different would life be lived?

It makes my head ache thinking about it to be honest.....

I pray your voice never leaves my head,  I pray that your sister and brothers will always live

knowing that you left them with so many lessons in life, so many memories, so many gems to carry

with them throughout their lives.

This song makes me think of her........ Always has. I think I have listened to it almost every day since that day.

 

voice in the wind.

So let's just clear the air right now and verify that I do indeed suck at keeping up with a blog.
I try and try and always have so much to say but that always requires me to actually sit down and
take the time to get all of those thoughts out of my head and onto here. Not so easy. I should really just scrap it and go back to a journal, a real life paper to pen experience....nah.

So.

I really wanted to talk about the dream that I had about Alyssa the other night. While it was still fresh
in my memories. I've had quite a few dreams about her the past few months and the one the other night
was one of those "felt so real" ones. I love those. When those come, I feel as though I really was with her, like she really was just sharing the same space with me. The dream was random but it all made sense as it was happening. Alyssa and I were sitting at a cafe somewhere, it was somewhere really busy because I remember people walking all over the place, rushing, talking, having coffee. She was sitting at the little table with me outside of the cafe and I knew that she was gone, yet she was sitting there right in front of my face. I asked her how is that she gets to be around me all the time? She told me that she can come around whenever I want her to be there, she told me that only I could see her. At that moment I remember feeling really sad and told her that she didnt have to feel as though she had to stay and sit around with me just to make me feel better, I remember saying, plus people are going to think Im a nutter sitting here talking to "myself" all the time. She told me it wasnt like that, that noone would notice me talking to "myself" I just felt really bad though thinking that she felt like she had to stay close to me so that I wouldn't be sad, but I remember in my dream feeling like I didn't want to resist her being around too much because I was afraid that in saying that...she would leave and not come back to visit me. She looked so cute. She had her legs kicked over the arm of her chair and her hair was up, I just remember I kept thinking...she looks french and she didn't have a care in the world and she was content.

I'll be back.

new slang.

Ha! I'd like to say that this blog is the beginning of at least one a week, but, its always easier said than done with me right now. so for today, it's happening. Its been a foggy week or two for me. Nothing too terrible, just the usual sad moments of missing Alyssa, and feeling disconnected in a way to alot that's around me. I'm missing friends. Andrea.....why did you move so far away? I could really go for a night at Macaroni Grill talking rubbish and eating just as much of it as we could talk. Two of my photog friends now live near one another and oh how lucky are they. I am thankful for the friends who I do have around me. Cynthia, lunch was fun! I love how we both spent our time giving each other lipstick checks. We are a mess. Somethings gotta give. Im feelin it. Yah, not in a Blink182 kind of way. The other day I told Lucas that Im taking him to church this week and he said, "Ohhh, I have to get a suitcase!!" Either he thinks that it is really far away....or that we have alot of "baggage" he's probably right.....I need a suitcase. I'm completely open and ready to feast on some worship. Nicos Grandma Helen passed away yesterday. What a great woman she was. I couldn't help but imagine Alyssa running to meet her, it made me smile.

 This week in a few photos.

 

foggy.

today is the 16th.....for about twenty more minutes anyways. 15 months ago today sleeping beauty went to sleep, she never woke up. I can hardly even think about that, it's hard sometimes to wrap my mind around that idea. My girl got herself ready for bed, knowing that she had to be to work the next day, got into bed, and fell wide asleep. I never even got to tell her goodbye. I never got to make sure she knew that I love her. It would be so easy to be bitter, to be swallowed up in regret, or want vengeance, but it wouldn't take the pain away that losing her has clawed it's way into my heart. I know I will see her again, but right now, I want to see her. I literally think about her too much maybe. I have 4 other children who are alive and here, right now, I just can't help but feel guilty sometimes still even if I'm laughing or enjoying something. I have conversations in my head with her all the time, like, all day long. I told her today sometimes I think that I forget that I am still amongst the living. I get lost in thought, in listening to music, in lyrics, in crying, in missing and feel like in losing her I have become so much more of a loner than I ever was before. I have to remember sometimes that I'm not alone. I've lived 15 months with her gone, deep breaths, big sighs, heavy heart, I can do this. right?