Thursday, February 4, 2016

Invincible.

I stopped writing on this blog so long ago and tonight while I was doing the dishes I remembered it.
I guess I don't even really know why I write on here in the first place, I started it so many years ago just as a form of keeping friends and family from far away in the loop, and then we lost Alyssa and it turned into more of a place for me to come and write my feelings that I was going through during the dreaded first months....then I just kind of quit. Who reads blogs anymore? I used to keep up with reading so many of my friends blogs but found that with so many social networks to stay tuned into people, reading and writing blogs kind of took a back seat.
Sorry guys.
Back to me doing the dishes earlier....
Yah, so, I was standing there washing away and listening to Muse in my ear and everything washed over me, Ive said it a million times since losing Alyssa and I will say it a million times more, it takes the smallest of things to send me right back to the night I was standing in Nile and Sofia's bedroom in San Francisco with Nico on the other end of the phone...
A lot lately more than usual Alyssa has been around. Say what you want, she's been here, in whatever form whether her spirit has been hanging around or maybe it just feels so much more solid because she's been so strong in my thoughts...whatever way...she's been here.
Let me tell you about her...some random things about her...
Even if not a soul reads this, I still need to voice it, I still need to talk about her for the mere fact that she was here, she did things, she said things, she drew things, she laughed, she cried, she had a baby, she struggled, she loved, she was mine.

Alyssa was different. Even from back when she was a teeny tiny girl, she was different. I remember sometimes when it was just she and I and I was pregnant with Corbin, she would hang out with me, playing with her toys, reading her books and she would give me a look, I remember sitting there looking at her and thinking, "whatcha got in that head of yours little girl because I feel like you know something that I don't know?" I remember always feeling like she was an old soul, like she wasn't new to all of this. I don't at all believe in reincarnation but I do believe that there are some of us who come into this world being a little more prepared than the rest of us, a little more in tune to the things that this world throws at us, that was Alyssa. It felt like such a short time that she was "little" and in saying "little" I mean, young-minded, I felt a lot of times like she was my peer. In some ways I wish I could go back and baby her more for a lot longer but that's just not how she was, one time I specifically remember crawling into her crib with her and sleeping with her, I remember feeling super connected with her like I was officially her mommy. Before, I hadn't felt that true connection yet. I didn't get to nurse her but only for a week...she had been flown to a hospital a ways away from us when she was born because she kept stopping breathing I had just turned 19 and didn't know what the heck I was doing and didn't realize until later on all of the bonding I missed out on, in a way when I think back on it I feel like was she the way she was because she had to be a strong little baby when she got taken to the children's hospital away from me and she learned from the get go how to do this life thing without me? I doubt it but thats how it felt.

I don't even know what I'm talking about...literally rambling going on right now guys.

Alyssa liked Bambi, acting like a cat, watching Lady and the Tramp, her pet rat Arthur, ABBA, Tim Burton, dancing, singing, drawing, pens, mustard and artichokes, eye liner, piercings, Gerard Way, the color black, her cat Jinx, showing Dominic the ways of the world, secrets with Corbin, having a little sister, cooking treats for Lucas, Jack, she loved him Oh so much, Her daddy, secretly (I think she loved him the most), crocheting, working, coffee and even more creamer, About a Boy, Love Actually, Gary Oldman, Muriel's Wedding, accents, Italy, anything Japanese, Asian soap operas, Tony Soprano, Family Guy, walking, laughing, The Office and Michael Scott, her Ipod, paper of any kind, Jordan Valenzuela, stealing {disclaimer: the girl had a stealing problem in highschool} like...she stole a rabbit from the pet store in the mall around Easter time because she wanted one and didn't have the money, I also feel like Michaels locks up their Pigma Micron and Copic sketch markers now because of her, she also tried to take a penguin from Sea World, she actually had it in her arms and was ready to bolt, she loved speaking with an accent of any kind, cooking, snow, she had such a keen sense of humor and was so quick with a comeback, her timing was on point. Her mind was clever, if Alyssa was a cartoon character she would be Coraline, mixed with a little bit of the girl from Inside Out and the kids from Spirited Away and Sally from Nitemare Before Christmas and the hair of Ariel from Little Mermaid, she always wanted long hair like her when she was little, she loved the movies Riding in Cars with Boys, and Mermaids, she had a crush on Marcus from About a Boy {if she could only see him now, she would really be gaga} and for you Alyssa to quote one of your favorite movies "I HATE uncle Jamie"!

This all just scratches the surface really.
I have met and become close to so many people since losing Alyssa and they only know her through us talking about her..Taylor, Amanda, Kelley, Sam, I know 100% that Alyssa would have loved every single one of you, she would have her inside jokes with you, she would have gotten you to watch something with her, or sit and talk to her, she would have made you laugh...that is a for sure thing. She also probably would have made you cry. Lyric, as you grow up and learn more and more about your namesake, you're going to be so proud to call her your Zia.

this is the song that was playing while I was doing the dishes tonight... Muse: Invincible
Its got a part in it with the guitars that sends me reeling. These are the little things that get me, when I want to text her and say...."listen to this...I know you would like it" She appreciated good music which made her even better :-)

By the way...the picture up there on the top of all of this, is Alyssa's hip, with a tattoo of Jacks initials, that she tattooed on herself.

Follow through
Make your dreams come true
Don't give up the fight
You will be alright
'Cause there's no one like you in the universe
Don't be afraid
What your mind conceives
You should make a stand
Stand up for what you believe
And tonight
We can truly say
Together we're invincible
During the struggle
They will pull us down
But please, please
Let's use this chance
To turn things around
And tonight
We can truly say
Together we're invincible
Do it on your own
It makes no difference to me
What you leave behind
What you choose to be
And whatever they say
Your soul's unbreakable
During the struggle
They will pull us down
But please, please
Let's use this chance
To turn things around
And tonight
We can truly say
Together we're invincible
Together we're invincible
During the struggle
They will pull us down
Please, please
Let's use this chance
To turn things around
And tonight
We can truly say
Together we're invincible
Together we're invincible

oh so pretty

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