Wednesday, June 4, 2014

goodnight goodnight

Goodnight my sweet girl.
Tomorrow would have been a day you woke up, alive, and 25.
Wow. That sound's brutal.
Happy Birthday my gorgeous girl, my forever young Alyssa.
I've struggled with a crap ton this year, for some reason, this one almost seems harder, perhaps this
next year it will get better?
I feel like it will.
I've worked so hard to keep you alive in my heart, your memory, your existence, your name
on the tip of my tongue all the time, I say "worked" because it has been a struggle, a balancing
act in a way....the whole trying to be here in the now but finding myself constantly dipping into the
past, to relive something...anything with you....my life now consist of "before Alyssa" "after Alyssa"
Geez Lyss..I will forever count it as a gift that the last thing you said to me was, "I love you"
25 years ago tomorrow I birthed you.. you were this precious innocent little ball
of squishy goodness with rose-bud lips and the happiest disposition ever. I remember thinking, If all babies are this easy, I'll have a ton of them.
My God....had I known that very day....the day you were born that I would have 22 years 4 months and 11 days with you...I think about that often...if we all knew the number of our days, how different would life be lived?
It makes my head ache thinking about it to be honest.....
I pray your voice never leaves my head,  I pray that your sister and brothers will always live
knowing that you left them with so many lessons in life, so many memories, so many gems to carry
with them throughout their lives.


Alyssa girl


This song makes me think of her........ Always has. I think I have listened to it almost every day since that day.


 

3 comments:

  1. So beautiful, Amy. I always wish I had something truly warm and profoundly comforting to share with you...and all I can tell you is that I watched Brenna and Alyssa's Brittany Spears video about 60 times...I continue to read your stories and letters to Alyssa and imagine that she could see them too...and I weep with you with a Mamma's heart. I love you Amy.

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  2. raw, truthful and beautiful.

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  3. grrr ... meow ... this is so lovely ... hello from AB, Canada ... Love, cat.

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