goodnight goodnight

Goodnight my sweet girl.

Tomorrow would have been a day you woke up, alive, and 25.

Wow. That sound's brutal.

Happy Birthday my gorgeous girl, my forever young Alyssa.

I've struggled with a crap ton this year, for some reason, this one almost seems harder, perhaps this

next year it will get better?

I feel like it will.

I've worked so hard to keep you alive in my heart, your memory, your existence, your name

on the tip of my tongue all the time, I say "worked" because it has been a struggle, a balancing

act in a way....the whole trying to be here in the now but finding myself constantly dipping into the

past, to relive something...anything with you....my life now consist of "before Alyssa" "after Alyssa"

Geez Lyss..I will forever count it as a gift that the last thing you said to me was, "I love you"

25 years ago tomorrow I birthed you.. you were this precious innocent little ball

of squishy goodness with rose-bud lips and the happiest disposition ever. I remember thinking, If all babies are this easy, I'll have a ton of them.

My God....had I known that very day....the day you were born that I would have 22 years 4 months and 11 days with you...I think about that often...if we all knew the number of our days, how different would life be lived?

It makes my head ache thinking about it to be honest.....

I pray your voice never leaves my head,  I pray that your sister and brothers will always live

knowing that you left them with so many lessons in life, so many memories, so many gems to carry

with them throughout their lives.

This song makes me think of her........ Always has. I think I have listened to it almost every day since that day.

 

19.

She is 19 today. I miss the little days SO much. These 19 years have been so full of "goosebumps" with her for many reasons and I call them goose bumps because her nickname since the day she came home from the hospital has been Goose. Corbin named her that. I put her in his arms to hold and he looked at her and said, "She's so little, like a tiny little goose" and from then on...she was Goose. She has provided us with many goosebump moments over time some for instance, eating bacon grease straight from the pan, eating a cock roach, eating dog poop, eat butter crisco, drinking toilet water while using her little church shoe as a cup, do you see a pattern here? She was so little but around 9-10 she was forced to grow up faster than usual because Nico and I kind of lost our way during all of the things that we were going thru with Alyssa. Brenna became the "big sister" and was left alot in charge of Dominic and Lucas Although she loved being big sister and was very good at mothering I think it wasn't fair to her, looking back now, I know that it wasn't fair to her. Her little life felt the effects of her sisters, and then her parents as well. She should have been "little sister" for longer, alot longer. Shes got one heck of a strong will this is for sure, and when she wants something, or wants something to happen, she will make sure that it does. Thru all of this, over the years, shes grown into a beautiful big sister to Dominic and Lucas. She will forever be little sister to Alyssa and Corbin and to Nico and I, she will always be the little tiny Goose who colored her face with a green marker while she was supposed to be sleeping. She's ours and although we may have had some major epic fails as parents, we haven't always done things the right way and haven't always set the best example, we will still and forever be a family that sticks together.

 

all grown up.

 

happy birthday krista

While sitting at my sister Kristas funeral, my mom who suffered from Alzheimers, looked across the room at Krista, and said, "I know that girl...I remember her" I feel like for a brief moment my mom knew her daughter, she remembered her and she cried, for a moment my mom remembered that she was a mom, she remembered Krista.

Fast forward to a time that Alyssa was home last summer, she wanted to go and see Krista, so we drove to the cemetery, walked all over the place looking for her....Alyssa found her she sat down next to her grave and talked to her. I remember she said, " oh Aunt Krista, you and I were kindred spirits of sorts" She stared at her grave and looked up at me and said, "when I die mom, don't do this to me, don't bury me, I don't want people to feel obligated to come and stare at a patch of grass" I told her not to even talk like that but really, that was Alyssa, I swear she always knew. We honored Alyssa's wishes and didn't bury her under a patch of grass, if she only knew there would have been no obligation to go and "stare at a patch of grass" it's something I would have wanted, needed to do for her.

Fast forward again....

the other day was Kristas birthday, however strange it might seem, I brought Alyssa and I brought my mom and the three of them were all at the same place at the same time again. it was bittersweet, it was peaceful. It was such a beautiful day. A beautiful day for three beautiful souls. I think they are all three kindred spirits...did you know that they all three passed away the same way? Their hearts beat their last beat while they were sleeping. How peaceful. All three of them are at peace. Happy Birthday Krista x



They will see us waving from such great heights.....