tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-73647281480518421162024-03-19T06:02:39.452-07:002nd Story WindowThings as they comeUnknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger270125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7364728148051842116.post-8227789909782205362017-04-07T09:24:00.002-07:002017-04-07T09:24:11.845-07:00Hate me.Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you.<br />
Hate me in ways, in ways hard to swallow.<br />
Hate me so you can finally see whats good for you.<br />
<br />
Geez.<br />
<br />
I miss Alyssa.<br />
<br />
I miss her freckles.<br />
Her lip ring.<br />
The little chip in her tooth caused by her lip ring.<br />
Her hands and how she would move them when she talked.<br />
Seeing the ink on the sides of her hands from drawing...<br />
Seeing her little tiny body curled up around a book or a journal.<br />
Walking downstairs and seeing her sitting at my computer watching The Sopranos.<br />
Her constant smokey eyes, she always had the day before mascara and eyeliner smudged around her eyes.<br />
Her thumbs poking through the sleeves of her long sleeve shirts.<br />
Her walk.<br />
Her voice, always singing something.<br />
Her love for the simple.<br />
Her outward sunny side up attitude even when things were shit.<br />
Her dancing in the car.<br />
I miss hearing a new song and sharing it with her.<br />
I miss "Hi Mum" texts.<br />
I miss waking up and not having to think about how she's not here anymore.<br />
I miss her big brown eyes and her worry eye brows<br />
I miss hearing her say, "Don't cry over me mom"<br />
<br />
Sometimes I just have to shelf her, thoughts about her or I feel like Ill lose my mind.<br />
<br />
Things I don't miss.<br />
<br />
I don't miss seeing her sad.<br />
hearing her cry.<br />
seeing her struggle.<br />
seeing her cuts.<br />
seeing her shrink away.<br />
seeing her trying so hard to make it through a day where she didn't throw up.<br />
hearing her say, "don't cry over me mom"<br />
thinking about all of the things that had happened to her.<br />
I don't miss trying to fix her and failing her.<br />
I don't miss that fact that every day was a struggle for her.<br />
<br />
There are so many things on a constant loop in my head.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7364728148051842116.post-3414441843550447362016-02-04T00:08:00.001-08:002016-02-04T00:11:32.337-08:00Invincible.I stopped writing on this blog so long ago and tonight while I was doing the dishes I remembered it.<br />
I guess I don't even really know why I write on here in the first place, I started it so many years ago just as a form of keeping friends and family from far away in the loop, and then we lost Alyssa and it turned into more of a place for me to come and write my feelings that I was going through during the dreaded first months....then I just kind of quit. Who reads blogs anymore? I used to keep up with reading so many of my friends blogs but found that with so many social networks to stay tuned into people, reading and writing blogs kind of took a back seat.<br />
Sorry guys.<br />
Back to me doing the dishes earlier....<br />
Yah, so, I was standing there washing away and listening to Muse in my ear and everything washed over me, Ive said it a million times since losing Alyssa and I will say it a million times more, it takes the smallest of things to send me right back to the night I was standing in Nile and Sofia's bedroom in San Francisco with Nico on the other end of the phone...<br />
A lot lately more than usual Alyssa has been around. Say what you want, she's been here, in whatever form whether her spirit has been hanging around or maybe it just feels so much more solid because she's been so strong in my thoughts...whatever way...she's been here.<br />
Let me tell you about her...some random things about her...<br />
Even if not a soul reads this, I still need to voice it, I still need to talk about her for the mere fact that she was here, she did things, she said things, she drew things, she laughed, she cried, she had a baby, she struggled, she loved, she was mine.<br />
<br />
Alyssa was different. Even from back when she was a teeny tiny girl, she was different. I remember sometimes when it was just she and I and I was pregnant with Corbin, she would hang out with me, playing with her toys, reading her books and she would give me a look, I remember sitting there looking at her and thinking, "whatcha got in that head of yours little girl because I feel like you know something that I don't know?" I remember always feeling like she was an old soul, like she wasn't new to all of this. I don't at all believe in reincarnation but I do believe that there are some of us who come into this world being a little more prepared than the rest of us, a little more in tune to the things that this world throws at us, that was Alyssa. It felt like such a short time that she was "little" and in saying "little" I mean, young-minded, I felt a lot of times like she was my peer. In some ways I wish I could go back and baby her more for a lot longer but that's just not how she was, one time I specifically remember crawling into her crib with her and sleeping with her, I remember feeling super connected with her like I was officially her mommy. Before, I hadn't felt that true connection yet. I didn't get to nurse her but only for a week...she had been flown to a hospital a ways away from us when she was born because she kept stopping breathing I had just turned 19 and didn't know what the heck I was doing and didn't realize until later on all of the bonding I missed out on, in a way when I think back on it I feel like was she the way she was because she had to be a strong little baby when she got taken to the children's hospital away from me and she learned from the get go how to do this life thing without me? I doubt it but thats how it felt.<br />
<br />
I don't even know what I'm talking about...literally rambling going on right now guys.<br />
<br />
Alyssa liked Bambi, acting like a cat, watching Lady and the Tramp, her pet rat Arthur, ABBA, Tim Burton, dancing, singing, drawing, pens, mustard and artichokes, eye liner, piercings, Gerard Way, the color black, her cat Jinx, showing Dominic the ways of the world, secrets with Corbin, having a little sister, cooking treats for Lucas, Jack, she loved him Oh so much, Her daddy, secretly (I think she loved him the most), crocheting, working, coffee and even more creamer, About a Boy, Love Actually, Gary Oldman, Muriel's Wedding, accents, Italy, anything Japanese, Asian soap operas, Tony Soprano, Family Guy, walking, laughing, The Office and Michael Scott, her Ipod, paper of any kind, Jordan Valenzuela, stealing {disclaimer: the girl had a stealing problem in highschool} like...she stole a rabbit from the pet store in the mall around Easter time because she wanted one and didn't have the money, I also feel like Michaels locks up their Pigma Micron and Copic sketch markers now because of her, she also tried to take a penguin from Sea World, she actually had it in her arms and was ready to bolt, she loved speaking with an accent of any kind, cooking, snow, she had such a keen sense of humor and was so quick with a comeback, her timing was on point. Her mind was clever, if Alyssa was a cartoon character she would be Coraline, mixed with a little bit of the girl from Inside Out and the kids from Spirited Away and Sally from Nitemare Before Christmas and the hair of Ariel from Little Mermaid, she always wanted long hair like her when she was little, she loved the movies Riding in Cars with Boys, and Mermaids, she had a crush on Marcus from About a Boy {if she could only see him now, she would really be gaga} and for you Alyssa to quote one of your favorite movies "I HATE uncle Jamie"!<br />
<br />
This all just scratches the surface really.<br />
I have met and become close to so many people since losing Alyssa and they only know her through us talking about her..Taylor, Amanda, Kelley, Sam, I know 100% that Alyssa would have loved every single one of you, she would have her inside jokes with you, she would have gotten you to watch something with her, or sit and talk to her, she would have made you laugh...that is a for sure thing. She also probably would have made you cry. Lyric, as you grow up and learn more and more about your namesake, you're going to be so proud to call her your Zia.<br />
<br />
this is the song that was playing while I was doing the dishes tonight... Muse: Invincible<br />
Its got a part in it with the guitars that sends me reeling. These are the little things that get me, when I want to text her and say...."listen to this...I know you would like it" She appreciated good music which made her even better :-)<br />
<br />
By the way...the picture up there on the top of all of this, is Alyssa's hip, with a tattoo of Jacks initials, that she tattooed on herself.<br />
<br />
<div style="background-color: #eeeeee; color: #707070; font-family: Roboto, arial, 'Noto Sans Japanese', sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 25px; padding-bottom: 10px;">
Follow through<br />
Make your dreams come true<br />
Don't give up the fight<br />
You will be alright<br />
'Cause there's no one like you in the universe</div>
<div style="background-color: #eeeeee; color: #707070; font-family: Roboto, arial, 'Noto Sans Japanese', sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 25px; padding-bottom: 10px;">
Don't be afraid<br />
What your mind conceives<br />
You should make a stand<br />
Stand up for what you believe<br />
And tonight<br />
We can truly say<br />
Together we're invincible</div>
<div style="background-color: #eeeeee; color: #707070; font-family: Roboto, arial, 'Noto Sans Japanese', sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 25px; padding-bottom: 10px;">
During the struggle<br />
They will pull us down<br />
But please, please<br />
Let's use this chance<br />
To turn things around<br />
And tonight<br />
We can truly say<br />
Together we're invincible</div>
<div style="background-color: #eeeeee; color: #707070; font-family: Roboto, arial, 'Noto Sans Japanese', sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 25px; padding-bottom: 10px;">
Do it on your own<br />
It makes no difference to me<br />
What you leave behind<br />
What you choose to be<br />
And whatever they say<br />
Your soul's unbreakable</div>
<div style="background-color: #eeeeee; color: #707070; font-family: Roboto, arial, 'Noto Sans Japanese', sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 25px; padding-bottom: 10px;">
During the struggle<br />
They will pull us down<br />
But please, please<br />
Let's use this chance<br />
To turn things around<br />
And tonight<br />
We can truly say<br />
Together we're invincible<br />
Together we're invincible</div>
<div style="background-color: #eeeeee; color: #707070; font-family: Roboto, arial, 'Noto Sans Japanese', sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 25px; padding-bottom: 10px;">
During the struggle<br />
They will pull us down<br />
Please, please<br />
Let's use this chance<br />
To turn things around<br />
And tonight<br />
We can truly say<br />
Together we're invincible<br />
Together we're invincible</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7364728148051842116.post-60452780850587499242014-06-04T23:33:00.000-07:002014-06-04T23:33:41.652-07:00goodnight goodnight<div style="text-align: center;">
Goodnight my sweet girl.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Tomorrow would have been a day you woke up, alive, and 25.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Wow. That sound's brutal.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Happy Birthday my gorgeous girl, my forever young Alyssa.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I've struggled with a crap ton this year, for some reason, this one almost seems harder, perhaps this</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
next year it will get better?</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I feel like it will.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I've worked so hard to keep you alive in my heart, your memory, your existence, your name</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
on the tip of my tongue all the time, I say "worked" because it has been a struggle, a balancing</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
act in a way....the whole trying to be here in the now but finding myself constantly dipping into the</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
past, to relive something...anything with you....my life now consist of "before Alyssa" "after Alyssa"</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Geez Lyss..I will forever count it as a gift that the last thing you said to me was, "I love you"</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
25 years ago tomorrow I birthed you.. you were this precious innocent little ball</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
of squishy goodness with rose-bud lips and the happiest disposition ever. I remember thinking, If all babies are this easy, I'll have a ton of them.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
My God....had I known that very day....the day you were born that I would have 22 years 4 months and 11 days with you...I think about that often...if we all knew the number of our days, how different would life be lived?</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
It makes my head ache thinking about it to be honest.....</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I pray your voice never leaves my head, I pray that your sister and brothers will always live</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
knowing that you left them with so many lessons in life, so many memories, so many gems to carry</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
with them throughout their lives.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/1949364474" title="Alyssa girl by Amy, on Flickr"><img alt="Alyssa girl" height="427" src="https://farm3.staticflickr.com/2019/1949364474_2808a0e262_o.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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This song makes me think of her........
Always has.
I think I have listened to it almost every day since that day.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="480" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/HbmbuSeKxVQ?rel=0" width="640"></iframe></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7364728148051842116.post-10231506381113372472013-06-18T20:30:00.002-07:002014-06-04T22:20:01.414-07:00voice in the wind.So let's just clear the air right now and verify that I do indeed suck at keeping up with a blog.<br />
I try and try and always have so much to say but that always requires me to actually sit down and<br />
take the time to get all of those thoughts out of my head and onto here. Not so easy. I should really just scrap it and go back to a journal, a real life paper to pen experience....nah.<br />
<br />
So.<br />
<br />
I really wanted to talk about the dream that I had about Alyssa the other night. While it was still fresh<br />
in my memories. I've had quite a few dreams about her the past few months and the one the other night<br />
was one of those "felt so real" ones. I love those. When those come, I feel as though I really was with her, like she really was just sharing the same space with me. The dream was random but it all made sense as it was happening. Alyssa and I were sitting at a cafe somewhere, it was somewhere really busy because I remember people walking all over the place, rushing, talking, having coffee. She was sitting at the little table with me outside of the cafe and I knew that she was gone, yet she was sitting there right in front of my face. I asked her how is that she gets to be around me all the time? She told me that she can come around whenever I want her to be there, she told me that only I could see her. At that moment I remember feeling really sad and told her that she didnt have to feel as though she had to stay and sit around with me just to make me feel better, I remember saying, plus people are going to think Im a nutter sitting here talking to "myself" all the time. She told me it wasnt like that, that noone would notice me talking to "myself" I just felt really bad though thinking that she felt like she had to stay close to me so that I wouldn't be sad, but I remember in my dream feeling like I didn't want to resist her being around too much because I was afraid that in saying that...she would leave and not come back to visit me. She looked so cute. She had her legs kicked over the arm of her chair and her hair was up, I just remember I kept thinking...she looks french and she didn't have a care in the world and she was content.<br />
<br />
I'll be back.
<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="480" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/HbmbuSeKxVQ?rel=0" width="640"></iframe>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7364728148051842116.post-36296402485633442642013-02-09T10:32:00.000-08:002013-02-09T10:32:50.050-08:0019.<div style="text-align: center;">
<div style="text-align: center;">
She is 19 today.
I miss the little days SO much.
These 19 years have been so full of "goosebumps" with her
for many reasons and I call them goose bumps because her nickname since
the day she came home from the hospital has been Goose. Corbin named her that.
I put her in his arms to hold and he looked at her and said, "She's so little, like
a tiny little goose" and from then on...she was Goose.
She has provided us with many goosebump moments over time some for instance,
eating bacon grease straight from the pan, eating a cock roach, eating dog poop,
eat butter crisco, drinking toilet water while using her little church shoe as a cup,
do you see a pattern here?
She was so little but around 9-10 she was forced to grow up faster than usual because
Nico and I kind of lost our way during all of the things that we were going thru with
Alyssa. Brenna became the "big sister" and was left alot in charge of Dominic and Lucas
Although she loved being big sister and was very good at mothering I think it wasn't
fair to her, looking back now, I know that it wasn't fair to her. Her little life
felt the effects of her sisters, and then her parents as well. She should have been "little
sister" for longer, alot longer.
Shes got one heck of a strong will this is for sure, and when she wants something, or wants
something to happen, she will make sure that it does.
Thru all of this, over the years, shes grown into a beautiful big sister to Dominic and Lucas.
She will forever be little sister to Alyssa and Corbin and to Nico and I, she will always be
the little tiny Goose who colored her face with a green marker while she was supposed to be
sleeping.
She's ours and although we may have had some major epic fails as parents, we haven't always
done things the right way and haven't always set the best example, we will still and forever
be a family that sticks together.</div>
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
</div>
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="480" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/QfHOfGcpqfw" width="640"></iframe></div>
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
all grown up.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="480" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/clmuN_AlY2Q" width="640"></iframe></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7364728148051842116.post-90198640229763250062013-02-06T22:44:00.000-08:002013-02-06T22:44:45.959-08:00what do I desire.<div style="text-align: center;">
Someone sent this to me to watch.
wow.
So worth watching and really asking yourself, "what do I desire"?
So many of us are hamsters stuck in a wheel getting nowhere, going nowhere different,
stuck in the mundane rat race that is survival. After losing Alyssa, time felt so
much more precious, so much quicker, so much more valuable.
What do I desire?<br />
I want to<br />
Feel.<br />
Travel.<br />
Sing.<br />
Shoot.<br />
Love.<br />
See.<br />
Move.<br />
Find.<br />
Swim.<br />
Learn.<br />
Experience.<br />
Teach.
<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="480" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/siu6JYqOZ0g?rel=0" width="853"></iframe></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7364728148051842116.post-40542668177829953682013-02-06T17:58:00.000-08:002013-02-06T17:58:06.526-08:00lucas<div style="text-align: center;">
I've been enjoying time with this little human an extra amount lately.
He's pretty cool I have to say.
Ever since I started homeschooling him I've felt closer to him. I don't
regret the decision to homeschool him one bit.
He's clever and he keeps things light-hearted when times are not so light.
He's a light.
And.....a super hero!
I took him to play today....how in the world does he get so dirty!?
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/8452372566/" title="IMG_7809 by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="IMG_7809" height="683" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8097/8452372566_71884edb3a_b.jpg" width="1024" /></a>
he was flying over head....Ahhhhh!
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/8452373180/" title="IMG_7796 by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="IMG_7796" height="683" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8241/8452373180_45fd79c841_b.jpg" width="1024" /></a>
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/8451280699/" title="IMG_7821 by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="IMG_7821" height="683" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8107/8451280699_0800d919cc_b.jpg" width="1024" /></a>
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/8452375048/" title="IMG_7745 by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="IMG_7745" height="683" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8508/8452375048_4951f2fe5b_b.jpg" width="1024" /></a>
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/8451284735/" title="IMG_7743 by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="IMG_7743" height="683" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8107/8451284735_71e6a02074_b.jpg" width="1024" /></a>
</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7364728148051842116.post-17354797864794742442013-01-18T18:42:00.000-08:002013-01-18T22:46:01.089-08:00new slang.<div style="text-align: center;">
Ha!
I'd like to say that this blog is the beginning of at least one a week, but, its always easier said than done with me right now. so for today, it's happening.
Its been a foggy week or two for me. Nothing too terrible, just the usual sad moments of missing Alyssa, and feeling disconnected in a way to alot that's around me.
I'm missing friends. Andrea.....why did you move so far away? I could really go for a night at Macaroni Grill talking rubbish and eating just as much of it as we could talk. Two of my photog friends now live near one another and oh how lucky are they.
I am thankful for the friends who I do have around me. Cynthia, lunch was fun! I love how we both spent our time giving each other lipstick checks. We are a mess.
Somethings gotta give.
Im feelin it.
Yah, not in a Blink182 kind of way.
The other day I told Lucas that Im taking him to church this week and he said, "Ohhh, I have to get a suitcase!!" Either he thinks that it is really far away....or that we have alot of "baggage" he's probably right.....I need a suitcase.
I'm completely open and ready to feast on some worship.
Nicos Grandma Helen passed away yesterday. What a great woman she was. I couldn't help but imagine Alyssa running to meet her, it made me smile.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
This week in a few photos.</div>
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<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/8393069901/" title="my week by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="my week" height="800" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8083/8393069901_f2cfc38b01_c.jpg" width="600" /></a><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/8394155784/" title="my week by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="my week" height="800" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8098/8394155784_9d737c1323_c.jpg" width="600" /></a>
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/8394156022/" title="my week by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="my week" height="800" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8467/8394156022_7f3d9d41da_c.jpg" width="600" /></a>
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/8393070439/" title="my week by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="my week" height="800" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8328/8393070439_0e07cf0939_c.jpg" width="600" /></a>
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/8394156348/" title="my week by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="my week" height="800" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8332/8394156348_e9bb6b8ff2_c.jpg" width="800" /></a>
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/8394156578/" title="my week by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="my week" height="600" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8334/8394156578_2b7943ffbc_c.jpg" width="800" /></a>
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/8393071061/" title="my week by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="my week" height="150" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8189/8393071061_a2e3a32457_q.jpg" width="150" /></a>
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/8393071191/" title="my week by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="my week" height="150" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8502/8393071191_f7a02a45de_q.jpg" width="150" /></a>
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/8394157170/" title="my week by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="my week" height="150" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8503/8394157170_77a09efc36_q.jpg" width="150" /></a>
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/8394157872/" title="my week by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="my week" height="150" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8357/8394157872_ff5074e1bd_q.jpg" width="150" /></a>
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/8394158166/" title="my week by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="my week" height="150" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8357/8394158166_c54f153678_q.jpg" width="150" /></a>
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/8394158536/" title="my week by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="my week" height="150" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8352/8394158536_ec3805f7a0_q.jpg" width="150" /></a>
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/8393073071/" title="my week by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="my week" height="500" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8074/8393073071_7b6e0e4d2e.jpg" width="375" /></a>
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/8394158944/" title="my week by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="my week" height="500" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8375/8394158944_5f2199e664.jpg" width="375" /></a>
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/8394159060/" title="my week by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="my week" height="500" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8045/8394159060_cc3660a799.jpg" width="375" /></a>
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/8394159168/" title="my week by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="my week" height="375" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8088/8394159168_f99a36580f.jpg" width="500" /></a>
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/8394159244/" title="my week by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="my week" height="500" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8377/8394159244_f4044c4c1c.jpg" width="375" /></a>
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/8393073585/" title="my week by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="my week" height="150" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8517/8393073585_8127c4d81d_q.jpg" width="150" /></a>
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/8394159474/" title="my week by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="my week" height="150" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8324/8394159474_387b1c44f2_q.jpg" width="150" /></a>
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/8393073893/" title="my week by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="my week" height="150" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8192/8393073893_2c221ff1dd_q.jpg" width="150" /></a>
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/8393074181/" title="my week by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="my week" height="150" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8075/8393074181_71791e548c_q.jpg" width="150" /></a>
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/8393074875/" title="my week by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="my week" height="150" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8233/8393074875_18820ce601_q.jpg" width="150" /></a>
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/8393074527/" title="my week by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="my week" height="150" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8045/8393074527_798d6a4117_q.jpg" width="150" /></a></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7364728148051842116.post-40581937868479755282013-01-16T23:55:00.001-08:002013-01-18T22:47:46.312-08:00foggy.today is the 16th.....for about twenty more minutes anyways. 15 months ago today sleeping beauty went to sleep, she never woke up. I can hardly even think about that, it's hard sometimes to wrap my mind around that idea. My girl got herself ready for bed, knowing that she had to be to work the next day, got into bed, and fell wide asleep. I never even got to tell her goodbye. I never got to make sure she knew that I love her. It would be so easy to be bitter, to be swallowed up in regret, or want vengeance, but it wouldn't take the pain away that losing her has clawed it's way into my heart. I know I will see her again, but right now, I want to see her. I literally think about her too much maybe. I have 4 other children who are alive and here, right now, I just can't help but feel guilty sometimes still even if I'm laughing or enjoying something. I have conversations in my head with her all the time, like, all day long. I told her today sometimes I think that I forget that I am still amongst the living. I get lost in thought, in listening to music, in lyrics, in crying, in missing and feel like in losing her I have become so much more of a loner than I ever was before. I have to remember sometimes that I'm not alone. I've lived 15 months with her gone, deep breaths, big sighs, heavy heart, I can do this. right? <br />
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7364728148051842116.post-26033089250867449732012-12-28T10:50:00.000-08:002012-12-28T10:50:05.396-08:00empire of dirt.<div style="text-align: center;">
<iframe frameborder="no" height="166" scrolling="no" src="http://w.soundcloud.com/player/?url=http%3A%2F%2Fapi.soundcloud.com%2Ftracks%2F72417674&show_artwork=true" width="100%"></iframe>
Have a little listen to two of my loves.
Corbin and Brenna recorded this the other night.
I am so in love with the fact that my children give me such lovely things to listen to
and that they all have such a huge love and passion for music.
My kids have been thru alot over the past year and each one of them has dealt with losing Alyssa in different ways, and each one has felt her loss in different ways but the common thread between all of them is that they just miss her, they miss her intensely, they miss her deeply. We have all found different ways to deal with her being gone, and I love, I mean seriously <b>LOVE</b> that my kids have found their way of dealing thru music. It's a healing agent.</div>
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Yesterday Brenna picked up her cat Mumfords ashes because she had him cremated when he died....and she sat in the car holding the little box and just cried. She said that she was just so sick of it....so dang sick of it. She showed them to me and it hit me..its crazy the things that pop into mind. I sat there...looking at his ashes...and thought about how a little over a year ago I could have said, "I have never seen what cremation remains look like" I know that sounds kind of morbid...but its true, its something I could have said. Yah, could have said...now, in the past year, I've seen 4. <b>FOUR</b></div>
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Flesh and bones. At the end of the day whats left isn't your loved one but just merely the body, the shell that their soul took up residence in to walk this life. They live on outside of the flesh and bones that wear and tear over time. Some don't even make it to the point of wearing and tearing but their short time of residency was lived with just as much passion, love, and intensity. They loved and they were loved. They had an impact.
Alyssa lives on in her son who turned 5 today.
Wherever he is right now, whatever he's doing, I pray that Alyssa is enjoying a little piece of his day with him. Happy Birthday Jack Vincent.
She will forever be a part of you. Something that no one will ever be able to take away.
She's still right here.
Some day you will hear all about her.
i love you.
</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7364728148051842116.post-32644966250849249282012-12-12T00:31:00.000-08:002012-12-12T00:51:46.333-08:00everythings burning.<div style="text-align: center;">
Guess what guys.
It's December.
Christmas #2 without her.
I really don't mean for my blog to be a place of constant sadness, I really don't. It's just....I was sitting here listening to music tonight and thought how much this time of year was one of her favorite times. Where are all of the cut out snowflakes she loved making? Seriously, I could scream right now. I't not kidding. I've been super busy the past month and a half with client sessions and stuff and so it was a little easier for me to put certain thoughts on the back burner, and now tonight...I find myself sitting here listening to music and here she is. For the life of me I have a really hard time trying to imagine not speaking with her every again in this lifetime. Do you think its possible she can hear me when I talk to her? I like to think she's hanging around, under a shade tree, drawing, singing, imagining and smiling. I guess she doesnt really need to "imagine" anything anymore because where she is now....she's living it, she's seeing it, she's experiencing it.
You know losing three people in my life in such a short time has really left me with something, a feeling that I can't even explain, it's not a pity thing, I think, 3 people who were in my life, are now with Jesus, literally with him, thats mind boggling yet comforting. I am so thankful that Alyssa is with my mom and my sister.
Here is a song that Brenna sang sometime around last Christmas....so shortly after losing Alyssa.<br />
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first this too...this always makes me smile.<br />
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<iframe allowfullscreen="allowfullscreen" frameborder="0" height="720" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/E5RkUiZyVYk?rel=0" width="960"></iframe><br />
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<iframe allowfullscreen="allowfullscreen" frameborder="0" height="720" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/cirzSalYd0E?rel=0" width="960"></iframe><br />
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and for funs....a video Alyssa and Brenna were trying to make......</div>
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<iframe allowfullscreen="allowfullscreen" frameborder="0" height="720" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/4RMD3cIYxm8?rel=0" width="960"></iframe></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7364728148051842116.post-4809333811972244102012-11-21T23:03:00.000-08:002012-11-21T23:08:37.441-08:00thankful.<div style="text-align: center;">
I start this blog right now sitting in my room at my computer desk, listening to the
sounds of my little home. I am thankful for all of these sounds and voices even though at times I feel as though my head could explode from all of the noise...it's late and Brenna just got home from work and now everyone is home and everyone is still awake. I hear a banjo being played by Corbin in one of the bedrooms, I hear Brenna giving Dominic exact directions on what to do with the things on the ledge that need to be taken downstairs, one of which is a bag of cat poop from the literbox that Brenna just cleaned out. Dominic walked by and asked me if I wanted some "dung" No thank-you Dom, I'm good in the dung department, but thank-you and I hear Lucas coming up the stairs singing the lyrics..."bury my heart next to yours...." lyrics from a Mumford and Sons song. I look up and see Alyssa's happy smiling face and am both torn because shes not here but so grateful for all five of them. I am grateful for each of their faces and hearts, I am thankful that God blessed me with 5 truly creative, passionate and artful souls. Where will their paths take them? My heart is torn tonight, another holiday without Alyssa. That always sounds so final but its a reality that I am faced with at the arrival of each holiday on the calendar. I miss my girl so much, I miss her ability to keep the peace. I miss her sweet voice and the past couple of days when Brenna has been talking to me, I have heard Alyssa SO much in her voice, it's crazy. Tonight I reflect on what's happened since last year at this time and will forever try to take from it lessons and a gratefulness for the time that I do get to have with my family, with all of their perfect imperfections.
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/8208167930/" title="10 by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="10" height="534" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8485/8208167930_51b24a4acf_c.jpg" width="800" /></a>
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/8207794616/" title="17 by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="17" height="800" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8484/8207794616_01f1d8708e_c.jpg" width="534" /></a>
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/8207794056/" title="21 by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="21" height="800" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8346/8207794056_8abacf2298_c.jpg" width="534" /></a>
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/8206704535/" title="27 by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="27" height="800" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8485/8206704535_e441db31f1_c.jpg" width="534" /></a><br />
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I actually did a session this morning with my own kids! Amazing!
Those will come soon!</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7364728148051842116.post-8177630334292674052012-11-16T23:10:00.001-08:002012-11-16T23:10:58.266-08:00Mumfs. <div style="text-align: center;">
Sadness and loss has struck our family yet once again.
Mumford. He had to be put down yesterday, again Brenna had to make that hard decision
to have him put down because he was suffering so badly. Her poor little Mumfs. She loved him beyond words. She loves all of her boys. Marcus, Malachi and Mumford. Malachi and Mumford were brothers from the same liter, they were super close and Malachi sat with him all day yesterday until we could take Mumford to the vet, he knew something was wrong with his brother, and today, I can tell he knows that something is different.
To know the bond that Brenna has with her cats, you have to know how much this has crushed her yet once again, remember she just did this 3 months ago with Muriel.
I am happy that I was able to take these pictures of her and her Mumfs during their last bit of time together. It was a very special time. He didn't look very sick but he was very sick. His fever was over 105 and he had all of the symptoms pointing to a very bad infection and disease. My heart aches for Brenna, she has had so much loss happen over the past year. Grow stronger from this Brenna.
I love you and your boys SO much! </div>
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<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/8191789023/" title="Untitled by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="Untitled" height="800" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8485/8191789023_f9d02e7e8c_c.jpg" width="598" /></a>
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/8192876624/" title="Untitled by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="Untitled" height="800" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8347/8192876624_f545dbf187_c.jpg" width="598" /></a>
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/8191789313/" title="Untitled by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="Untitled" height="800" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8197/8191789313_88b494238b_c.jpg" width="598" /></a>
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/8192876824/" title="Untitled by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="Untitled" height="800" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8340/8192876824_b1d6a72fb7_c.jpg" width="598" /></a>
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/8191789501/" title="Mumford by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="Mumford" height="800" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8485/8191789501_2b79afb41f_c.jpg" width="598" /></a>
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/8192872390/" title="Untitled by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="Untitled" height="800" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8339/8192872390_f0b1b6f78b_c.jpg" width="598" /></a>
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/8191783417/" title="Mumford by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="Mumford" height="800" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8057/8191783417_ff20292bf1_c.jpg" width="598" /></a>
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/8191785309/" title="Untitled by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="Untitled" height="800" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8067/8191785309_451493e983_c.jpg" width="598" /></a>
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/8191785527/" title="Untitled by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="Untitled" height="800" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8479/8191785527_90a7744099_c.jpg" width="598" /></a>
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/8192873066/" title="Untitled by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="Untitled" height="800" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8198/8192873066_60d6c6c0b0_c.jpg" width="598" /></a>
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/8191787195/" title="Untitled by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="Untitled" height="800" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8061/8191787195_3949b1402a_c.jpg" width="598" /></a>
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/8192874896/" title="Untitled by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="Untitled" height="800" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8348/8192874896_eeb9252567_c.jpg" width="598" /></a>
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/8191787621/" title="Untitled by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="Untitled" height="800" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8479/8191787621_aab4bda593_c.jpg" width="598" /></a>
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/8191787787/" title="Untitled by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="Untitled" height="800" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8345/8191787787_c7d7341ecc_c.jpg" width="598" /></a>
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/8191787997/" title="Untitled by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="Untitled" height="800" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8207/8191787997_99bdc6b269_c.jpg" width="598" /></a>
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/8191788067/" title="Untitled by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="Untitled" height="800" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8346/8191788067_13abeabac5_c.jpg" width="598" /></a>
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/8192876326/" title="Untitled by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="Untitled" height="800" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8477/8192876326_1af5c0825a_c.jpg" width="598" /></a></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7364728148051842116.post-49973201989612794832012-11-15T12:01:00.000-08:002012-11-15T12:02:39.938-08:00sick kitty.<div style="text-align: center;">
There is a sick kitty in our house and it's breaking my heart.
A couple of days ago Mumford started acting a little off and keeps going and
hiding, doesn't really want to eat or drink too much and is just really lethargic.
It's not really like him and Brenna is really scared that he may have what Muriel died from which was called FIP. She is taking him in this afternoon to have him looked at.
Poor Brenna, it's been one thing after another for her...I am praying that whatever it is that's wrong with him can be treated and he will back to his usual little self again soon. Malachi would be so lonely without his brother.
Look at how comforting he's being to his sick little brother.</div>
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Malachi and Mumford.</div>
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<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/8188097403/" title="Mumford by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="Mumford" height="800" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8208/8188097403_8a1fb74e70_c.jpg" width="800" /></a></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7364728148051842116.post-86057086530687503742012-11-13T00:01:00.000-08:002012-11-13T00:01:47.056-08:00Mumford and Sons<div style="text-align: center;">
So!
Those who read this blog or even slightly know me know that I love Mumford and Sons
and knows that Brenna and I went to see them this past Saturday! Amazing!!
I didn't take a ton of pictures of the day because we were too busy being super cool
at the Hollywood Bowl hearing super great music but here are a few
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/8181430763/" title="Untitled by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="Untitled" height="800" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8066/8181430763_930faabb51_c.jpg" width="800" /></a>
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/8181457620/" title="Untitled by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="Untitled" height="800" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8069/8181457620_3decc6922a_c.jpg" width="800" /></a>
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/8181456778/" title="Untitled by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="Untitled" height="800" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8208/8181456778_33d7c94e60_c.jpg" width="800" /></a>
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/8181455944/" title="Untitled by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="Untitled" height="800" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8206/8181455944_2016b0abfd_c.jpg" width="800" /></a></div>
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So that was driving into LA. Buildings buildings and more buildings! It's cool and all
however I wouldn't want to live there, {sorry to all of you LA dwellers, the big city
just isn't for me}</div>
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<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/8181430193/" title="Untitled by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="Untitled" height="800" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8200/8181430193_14d956a306_c.jpg" width="800" /></a><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/8181458106/" title="Untitled by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="Untitled" height="800" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8486/8181458106_4ee2f57741_c.jpg" width="800" /></a>
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/8181414867/" title="Mumford and Sons by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="Mumford and Sons" height="800" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8064/8181414867_177d5482c3_c.jpg" width="800" /></a></div>
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LET US IN!</div>
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They really were awesome and we met some very cool people who were sitting around us.
I forgot that the Hollywood Bowl is an outdoor venue and Brenna only had on a tank top and a flannel shirt...we were FREEZING but it was so worth it, we froze right along with everyone else, once Mumford and Sons started up, we stood up and stood the entire 2 hours! I didnt feel my toes for over two hours but so what, who cares?
They sang so much, and Brenna was able to yell to Marcus Mumford to tell him that she
named her cats after him...now whether he heard her or not, who knows, but she got to tell him and that's all that mattered to her :) She kinda sorta has a crush on the fella.
I love that they have such a snazzy dressed fan-base, really I do. I didn't see one
pair of saggy pants in the whole place! Hip Hip!!
If you haven't listened to them yet...give their new album Babel some earttention. Get it?
No but really....listen to them!
I have video, but Ill spare you, only because I didn't get time to upload it, but
they sang Lucas's favorite song and I told Lucas that I yelled from the crowd and asked them to sing Below My Feet for Lucas and so they did. (at least thats what I told Lucas) and he thinks its true and said, "Ohhh thats so cool" He wants a kick drum and I bet you he gets one!
LOVE.</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7364728148051842116.post-21244181203433253782012-11-09T09:43:00.000-08:002012-11-09T09:43:14.963-08:00finally.<div style="text-align: center;">
Finally.
Dominic and I went to pick up Brenna from work and little by little it started to rain.
If you really know me, you know how happy this made me. So while Dominic went in to get Brenna and sit with her while she closed up, I sat out in my car watched them, while I watched my windshield fill up with drops. Of course I had to take pictures of it.
This morning it just finished super raining and it feels nice and cold outside. That makes me heart double happy. At least for a couple of days I get to feel somewhat of a seasonal change. Love me some seasons.
Love.
Hi Brenna and Dominic.</div>
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pssssst! Tomorrow night Brenna and I will be going to Hollywood and our ears will be feasting on a whole lot of Mumford and Sons. Brennas eyes will be feasting on Marcus Mumford...no matter how far away.
Enjoy a little taste of what we will be enjoying!</div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7364728148051842116.post-29001266128891659662012-11-07T19:32:00.000-08:002012-11-07T19:32:17.785-08:00The day after.I've had about a trillion different things going thru my head over the past couple of days that I have wanted to write about, some concerning the elections, some other topics but you know, after sitting here and reading thru my stream on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter...etc...I think that the slinging of opinions can take a little rest,I myself am responsible for putting a few zingers out there into social network world and right now, where it stands the 44th President has been elected and whether you voted for him or not, whether you believe in everything he says, now, the mission should be to be an example to the younger generation of voters who are watching and listening to all of this back and forth going on, some who are being told that they should hate Romney or hate Obama {depending on who their parents voted for}
Everyone can't win, everyone can't have their way. Tis life and reality but how we choose to react when our "team" doesn't win is what matters a whole lot.
I've read some pretty nasty stuff from both sides and it saddens me that people who appeared to be friends in both real life or "cyber life" have become bitter enemies over this whole election, <b>LOVE</b> one another. It's that simple. Allow others to have their opinion as you project yours but at the end of the conversation/debate/whatever let it be done there and walk away remaining friends.
While things may not be going exactly the way that some may have wanted, that is where faith comes in, having faith that the God who created this world is still here watching over it. I just truly know, that after losing Alyssa, how very short life is, even if you live to be 100, in the grand scheme of it all, life is still short. And so with that being said, I want to live my life with as little sadness, negativity, anger, rudeness, cruelness that I possibly can and would rather fill my days with as much faith, hope and love that I possibly can pack into each day.
I love all of my friends, Obamaians and Romneyians alike. At the end of the day I'd just like to sit and have a cup of coffee with every one of you and talk about nothing that has to do with politics but everything that has to do with nail polish, music, our kids, our photography, our blahs and our ahhhs!
And come on peeps, Pot was legalized in Colorado and Washington last night {Anddd putting the lid back on to that can of worms I just opened} :)
I have really been thinking alot <b>LOT</b> lately how I feel like it's time to make a move of some sort, my heart feels like its wandering, kind of like it soaring and it's looking for a new place to land. I'll explain more later.<br />
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this is one of the only videos I could find of this song that didn't have a ton of Twilight stuff in it. Next week the new vote starts...Team Edward or Team Jacob.
Everyone play nice. Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7364728148051842116.post-67098167258047549762012-10-19T16:03:00.000-07:002012-10-19T16:03:30.153-07:00thistle and weed.<div style="text-align: center;">
It's Friday already, I can't believe it.
This week was so off right from the beginning since all day Monday I was sick
in bed feeling like I was tapping at Heavens door. I know that sounds so dramatic
but seriously guys, I laid in my bed thinking, How can someone possibly feel this
sick and still be alive. My throat was so disgusting, I will spare you from the
gross descriptions and pictures of it. Really, you should thank me. </div>
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Tuesday was the 16th and I think anyone who knows me knows that that day was a delicate
one. It was a quiet day spent with my family, I didn't cry all day, Im not sure I really "tried" not to cry, but I just didn't. I was strong maybe, maybe it was all
of the cold meds, I dont know. However, the next day....I cried three times. One of
those times I walked into Brennas room to tell her something and she was sitting on
her bedroom floor cutting a t shirt or something and for a brief second I thought
she was Alyssa, I took a quick breath almost like, excitement and then realized the
truth and then.....started crying.
I am going to see her again one day. This I know.
For while I am here, my mission is to make sure everyone knows that she was here,
to make sure people feel loved, to be an encouragement and a light.</div>
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This stinks...I thought the sickness was gone, far away gone, and this afternoon,
I'm thinking...maybe not so much. Every time I swallow I feel that little lump in
the back of my throat and I feel achy. And now, Brenna and Lucas are getting the funk.</div>
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Keep the earth below my feet.
Mumford and Sons.</div>
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Keep my eyes to serve, my hands to learn.
again...Mumford and Sons.</div>
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Going to see them on November 10th.
I will cry, I know it.
Not because Im celebrity struck because honestly, I don't really care about that kind
of thing, but I know I'll cry because of the lyrics that will be flowing from that dudes heart. I always have this thing happen to me when I am in a situation surrounded
by people, if I see that they are super happy, or something really awesome is happening
for someone, or the vibe is just screaming happiness....I cry. My mom always used to
tell me that I was too sensitive, I dont know if Im "too" sensitive but I do feel like
I take on others feelings to almost a crippling point sometimes. I think Corbin has it too. Ive seen it happen to him.</div>
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I will love with urgency and not with haste.
Mumford and Sons.</div>
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Right, so here is a quickie view into the past week in our house.</div>
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sick.</div>
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majorly delicious food made by Synthia</div>
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andddddd got to get up to go get Brenna from the train station, that was fun!</div>
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some of us on the 16th.</div>
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<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/8103826365/" title="photo (23) by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="photo (23)" height="640" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8046/8103826365_c4fc3d1c7b_z.jpg" width="480" /></a> </div>
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Brenna. Holding on to a little clutch that Alyssa had crocheted. I know why this picture is so special.</div>
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<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/8103826327/" title="photo (24) by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="photo (24)" height="800" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8047/8103826327_8d789f35a4_c.jpg" width="598" /></a> </div>
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us. </div>
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<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/8103826257/" title="photo (25) by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="photo (25)" height="800" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8045/8103826257_0ebfc8e825_c.jpg" width="598" /></a> </div>
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So while I was so sick I got caught up on Downton Abbey.
Brenna....there is a fella for you somewhere out there like him.
(not his character on the show though, he's not such a nice fella)</div>
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Farley. The dog with the most nicknames ever.</div>
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[home]school is in session.</div>
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there is nothing I love more than waking up to this kind of stuff.</div>
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<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/8103840292/" title="photo (32) by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="photo (32)" height="800" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8466/8103840292_50bca07fdd_c.jpg" width="800" /></a></div>
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Luke thought he was so funny putting his freezing feet in my shirt.</div>
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<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/8103840390/" title="photo (33) by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="photo (33)" height="800" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8192/8103840390_d04e94d2c8_c.jpg" width="598" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
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really Farley?</div>
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<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/8103840148/" title="photo (34) by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="photo (34)" height="800" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8327/8103840148_0a4f908006_c.jpg" width="598" /></a> </div>
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xoxox</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7364728148051842116.post-49495560424992405142012-10-16T22:34:00.000-07:002012-10-16T22:34:31.511-07:00we are family.<div style="text-align: center;">
I had all kinds of emotions leading up to how this day would play out, what would happen, how would we recognize it. Nothing ever seemed to make sense or seem right, I almost felt like a big deal needed to be made but I just couldn't think of just what it might be that we would do.
The day before I had been so sick I could even think about it, I think that was a good thing actually, I wasn't dwelling. I woke up this morning feeling so much better, I woke up missing my girl. I replayed last year in my head all over again, I spent the entire morning in my room, I spent the entire day with my family, different family members at different times but we were all together all day, we didn't do anything spectacular but we spent time together and honestly I think it worked out just as it was suppose to.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I heard so many sweet things from so many sweet people, all of your texts and messages mean the world, the flowers and that delish refresher that you brought over Taylor...yum! I am so thankful for so many sweet people that have been with our family during this tough year. I feel like with this one year marker I am almost expected to be "over it" but please forgive me if I'm not.
If it were only that easy, but honestly, I dont think its meant to be that easy, I feel as though if it were easy, nothing would be cherished, nothing would be gained, nothing would be learned, nothing would be made stronger, thru loss I have learned so much and I feel like it all happened as it was meant to and for a reason.</div>
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My hope is that if in any way, I can be a help to someone else who happens to be going thru this same thing. I hope that I can be an encouragement and even just a tiny light in the dark path that one has to walk after losing someone.
I am taking away from this past year many valuable lessons and they aren't really ones that I can explain, I feel like it's something that an individual needs to go thru on their own to feel it and learn it. Each person might take away something different from it. </div>
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Today was day 365, I've made it for that many days without her, and honestly it didnt feel any different from day 61 or day 211 or day 3 they are all days Im here and she isn't and rather than sit and count the days that Im here and she isn't, I'd like to just live them, knowing that she knew how very much I loved her and how very much I loved the 22 years 4 months and 11 days that she <b>was</b> here. She's still here though, shes all over the place. In her drawings, her writings, in her siblings, when I look at Nico, when I see Jack, she's here. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Thank you again to every single one of you souls who have been there for us.
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/8096039838/" title="photo (12) by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="photo (12)" height="800" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8193/8096039838_f0b9c4079c_c.jpg" width="800" /></a>
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/8096034221/" title="photo (13) by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="photo (13)" height="800" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8466/8096034221_ecab054968_c.jpg" width="800" /></a>
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/8096039954/" title="photo (14) by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="photo (14)" height="800" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8325/8096039954_c86d26d493_c.jpg" width="800" /></a>
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/8096034321/" title="photo (15) by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="photo (15)" height="640" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8190/8096034321_c04b8fe335_o.jpg" width="480" /></a>
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/8096067037/" title="photo (16) by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="photo (16)" height="1024" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8050/8096067037_73c340b9a2_o.jpg" width="765" /></a>
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/8096073480/" title="photo (17) by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="photo (17)" height="800" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8054/8096073480_1961836a32_c.jpg" width="800" /></a></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7364728148051842116.post-88949383469087499372012-10-16T12:38:00.004-07:002012-10-16T12:38:54.191-07:00365 days.21.4.11<br />
<br />
<br />
I typed the above numbers over a half hour ago.<br />
I typed them, turned on some music....and sat. Literally sat here staring at the blinking curser.<br />
Listening to the music, and staring at the numbers that make up the amount of time that she was here,<br />
living, breathing, aware. The amount of time that she was able to experience the things around her. She experienced being born, crawling, biting {oh do I ever remember when she went thru that biting phase}, she learned that she would love animals, all the while she was here she loved them. Arthur, her first pet rat, she would sneak him to school in her book bag, he would ride on her shoulder when she rode her bike, later she would find a cat, a little black cat with an extra little claw on each paw...she named him Jinx....Mr. Jinx, she potty trained him to go outside so no litter box! She got squirrels to eat out of her hand and once while we were at Sea World for her 16th birthday....she took a penguin. I should say she tried, she had him in her arms but Nico made her realize how that might get her into a bit of trouble if she actually tried to go thru the gates with him. She had a cat that she found in Big Bear, well I think they found each other shortly after Jinx died...Alyssa named her Charlotte, she loved that cat and while we were on our way moving from California to Florida Charlotte ran away at one of our gas stops, but we found her, made it to Florida and shortly thereafter Alyssa found out that Charlotte was a boy....ummmm yah...so Hello Charlie...after that she/he ran away and that was that.<br />
Over the course of her life she had many pets and loved them all.<br />
<br />
She experienced learning to read, which she did at such an early age, once Nico walked in on her while she was going to the bathroom, she couldnt have been more than about 3 and she was sitting there, reading a golf magazine...Nico asked her what she was reading about she answered, "About chippin" And she was right, that's exactly what it was about.<br />
<br />
She experienced swimming, and laughing and playing with her cousins, bubble baths, Littlest Pet Shops, singing, learning to play the piano, church, learning Bible verses, flying,traveling, Disneyland, sledding, snowfalls and fireworks, baking and arting with Lucas, walks with Dominic, make-up times with Brenna, talks with Corbin, the Sopranos, Family Guy, About a Boy and Muriels Wedding. Angelas Ashes and Gerard Way. Christmas and Halloween, her two favorite holidays, oh she loved them. Jack Skelington, Edward Scissor Hands.<br />
<br />
She felt the sun, the wind, the ocean, happiness, love, excitement, newness, grace, cool breezes on her soft white freckled cheeks, and kisses on her little rosebud lips, driving down the road with the window down and the wind in her hair, she felt her Fathers love and protection, she saw sunsets and sunrises, she went to the movies, mountains, she love love LOVED new paper and pens. She lived and she had a voice.<br />
She experienced so much in her short time here....some of the things that she experienced have made me question at times what this life is all about and why do some people have to feel these things, why at the hands of someone else did she have to feel scared, violated and utterly dark? Why at such a young age did she have to feel such horrors? Why did she have to feel like she was all alone?<br />
<br />
She grew up from that little girl into a teenager and the things that she would experience would be a different kind of list of experiences.<br />
She experienced being scared. lonliness, teasing, bullying, meaness, cutting and throwing up. She experienced hospitals, and sadness. I think for the most part, her teen years were black and blue. Overall hurtful. Who was once my little girl, was now this girl who was so broken and anxious, fretful, aching and mourning for her happy childhood that was lost along her journey. Someone took her lifes path and just tore it all to pieces, they hacked it up and destroyed what was instilled in her. She spent most of her teen years trying so hard to repair her path, to make sense of things, to figure out what was going on, to just find a peace and a place where she was happy within herself and that that peace would be just what it took to get her to the next chapter.<br />
<br />
When I would look into her eyes...as a mother, I always knew I wasnt going to have her for a long time. I just knew. As a mother you sit and imagine what your children will be like as adults, and I never saw her. I would get scared and confused because no matter how hard I would try, she was never there.<br />
I always felt as though she was going to leave young. I think I lived alot of my days waiting for "the call" I knew eventually she would be taken, I just knew it. She knew it too. My sweet Alyssa was a little flicker......she wanted so badly to burn bright, to live life to the fullest, to be young and free spirited, to do her art, to have her own place, to have us over, to be proud of herself, her foundation was a little cracked, but not completely broken.<br />
<br />
She lived a life that had an amazing soundtrack I will say this.<br />
I don't have a laundry list of all of these accomplishments that she had while here, no books full of ribbons or shelves covered in awards or achievements but to me, to me, she was incredible. She made me happy, she made me laugh, she made me a mom, she showed me so much about myself without even knowing that she was showing me all of this, she experienced childbirth and motherhood while she was here, she gave of herself. She gave a gift to someone that I dont think they will ever quite realize how hard it was for her to do. I hope someday they realize the grandness of Jack, and where he comes from. That little boy is meant to be. Someday....somehow there will be day that I will get to sit and tell him all about her. One of the last things that she said to me was, "Im going to make you proud of me, someday Im going to have my own place and have you over" I was proud of her, with or without her own place. She had a kind heart and at the end of the day I would take that over anything.<br />
<br />
A couple days have passed since I started writing this, yesterday I spent the entire day in bed sicker than I have been in a long time, I couldn't help but think of her even more so, I thought this is how she left us, asleep in bed, I thought of how the night that she climbed into bed to go to sleep, to wake up the next morning for work...she had no idea that that is as far as she would go. I want to remember her happy, singing, drawing, laughing and living.<br />
<br />
Today is one year.<br />
It's the first thing I thought of when I woke up this morning. How a year ago today my life took a turn. I won't say for the worse because it hasnt been. I have lived and learned so much about myself in losing Alyssa...no regrets.<br />
<br />
This song is a good ending to this blog.<br />
We used to sing this and dance around the living room.<br />
I love you Lyss.<br />
<br />
<iframe allowfullscreen="allowfullscreen" frameborder="0" height="480" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/EEwA1ldUb60?rel=0" width="853"></iframe>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7364728148051842116.post-26906417769165945102012-10-14T22:02:00.000-07:002012-10-14T22:02:55.237-07:00October weekend.<div style="text-align: center;">
I did something that I haven't done practically since I got my iphone which has been ages..and that was to take my camera out of its bag and just set it on my desk and try using it on my own family and life. I was looking thru my Flickr account and forgot how often I used to take just every day pictures of my own family, I need to get back into that ritual, less iPhone, more real. I guess if I wanted to be even more "real" I would get a film camera, but hey, baby steps.
Here is a tiny bit of my weekend, actually a very tiny bit.</div>
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<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/8084735387/" title="IMG_8913 by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="IMG_8913" height="715" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8475/8084735387_e8c49c443f_c.jpg" width="800" /></a></div>
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This would be Corbin, he's very funny about me taking pictures of him and I tried sneaking some of him while he was in my room playing the guitar and he caught me so he did this. Yah. nice. Thankyou Corbin.</div>
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<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/8084757970/" title="IMG_8915 by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="IMG_8915" height="800" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8464/8084757970_3d6d461204_c.jpg" width="534" /></a>
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/8084756136/" title="IMG_8918 by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="IMG_8918" height="534" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8185/8084756136_005af2482b_c.jpg" width="800" /></a>
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/8084757519/" title="IMG_8919 by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="IMG_8919" height="534" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8047/8084757519_48470d0c83_c.jpg" width="800" /></a>
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/8084737084/" title="IMG_8980 by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="IMG_8980" height="534" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8330/8084737084_9f2162e96f_c.jpg" width="800" /></a>
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/8084753204/" title="IMG_8921 by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="IMG_8921" height="534" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8184/8084753204_3443b1e289_c.jpg" width="800" /></a>
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/8084754637/" title="IMG_8922 by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="IMG_8922" height="534" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8186/8084754637_139d863e71_c.jpg" width="800" /></a>
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/8084734462/" title="IMG_8928 by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="IMG_8928" height="800" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8050/8084734462_3ec4f58aa0_c.jpg" width="534" /></a> </div>
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me.
looking a little not so joyous. maybe sometimes I dont want to look joyous?</div>
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<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/8084753253/" title="IMG_8963 by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="IMG_8963" height="800" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8332/8084753253_48758f98d3_c.jpg" width="534" /></a></div>
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but then its ok because shortly after that I felt very joyous laying next to my little Lukie.</div>
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<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/8084749609/" title="IMG_8940 by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="IMG_8940" height="534" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8049/8084749609_637dfe89c6_c.jpg" width="800" /></a>
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/8084745826/" title="IMG_8956 by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="IMG_8956" height="534" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8049/8084745826_188d4c2888_c.jpg" width="800" /></a>
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/8084746959/" title="IMG_8958 by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="IMG_8958" height="534" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8335/8084746959_64eb46e84b_c.jpg" width="800" /></a>
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/8084745255/" title="IMG_8967 by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="IMG_8967" height="534" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8476/8084745255_450852dcac_c.jpg" width="800" /></a>
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/8084743791/" title="IMG_8970 by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="IMG_8970" height="552" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8056/8084743791_4277212102_c.jpg" width="800" /></a>
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/8084739794/" title="IMG_8977 by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="IMG_8977" height="534" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8332/8084739794_48ba11223d_c.jpg" width="800" /></a>
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/8084738323/" title="IMG_8981 by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="IMG_8981" height="534" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8328/8084738323_71b3842559_c.jpg" width="800" /></a>
some oldies.
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/8084813930/" title="1421056695_e84b90436e_o by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="1421056695_e84b90436e_o" height="800" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8463/8084813930_e9964d9334_c.jpg" width="534" /></a>
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/8084820819/" title="1802409651_954935dcd3_o by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="1802409651_954935dcd3_o" height="427" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8192/8084820819_dc649b4a07_o.jpg" width="640" /></a>
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/8084818464/" title="1806349469_f1f7950b0c_o by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="1806349469_f1f7950b0c_o" height="800" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8043/8084818464_dd0a44b148_c.jpg" width="534" /></a>
</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7364728148051842116.post-51048902912931439052012-10-10T17:02:00.000-07:002012-10-10T17:02:59.922-07:00October 10.<div style="text-align: center;">
Its coming.
This entire month has been filled with glances at the calendar and internal count downs to different dates. A countdown until the last time I talked to her, a countdown until the day before it happened, wondering what she was doing, if she was happy, if she knew how much I loved her., a countdown to the day that it happened. It's just too much sometimes, it really is. God knows that I have been trying to be positive, to be upbeat, to be thankful and grateful and all those cool things but to be honest...I just don't feel like it. I do have times where I feel like, Oh my gosh, I'm making it thru this with much more ease than I thought I would. But then just as soon as Im complimenting myself and having a little party in my head for doing so well with all of this...I go into a downward spiral and it can be something SO incredibly small that just pulls me right back down where I feel like Im right back in Nile and Sofias bedroom hearing Nico on the other end of the telephone telling me that she was gone.</div>
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What the heck.</div>
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She's really gone.</div>
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The other day I was in my bedroom, and walked past the picture wall and Alyssa caught my eye, and like a giant something or other just fell on my chest and took my breath away and I thought...."wait...what?" And I remember telling myself, "Amy...she's really gone, gone like you aren't going to see her in the physical form anymore, ever again, never...ever....again." Over this past year I can not tell you how happy I am that I have always been such a picture taking freak, I have so many pictures of her to pour over, to soak up, sometimes I wish I could jump into the picture with her and be back at that moment when it was taken.</div>
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If only we really lived our lives as if we really arent promised the next breath. Its easy, so so easy to say that that is how we should live, but actually doing that is a whole other story. I am always telling the kids to love one another and to not fight with each other or say mean things to one another because they never know what may happen before the next time you see that person, and sadly after this year we can really say that but even still, life and human nature just blurs all of that sometimes, and the fights still happen, the mean things are still said to one another, and people are hurt.</div>
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Every time I think about her I get a song in my heart, it varies, sometimes its Bright Eyes, sometimes The Fray, Eminem, Mercy Me, My Chemical Romance, ABBA, the soundtrack from My Best Friends Wedding, oh gosh....I remember when the kids were younger, and we lived back in Wisconsin, we would blast music and dance around the living room, or the kitchen, wherever, but we would dance until we were sweating, we would belt out songs like Be a Man from Mulan....or Son of Man from Tarzan, or Alyssa and Corbin would make songs up in the car. I seriously have the coolest kids. Now your life really is as good as an ABBA song Lyss.</div>
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"we will run and scream, you will dance with me, we'll fullfill our dreams and we'll be free...and sadness will be far away"
I will love with urgency. </div>
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Mumford and Sons just gets it right. </div>
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One of my favorite ever pictures of Lyssa.
With her Nico.</div>
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<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/8075449406/" title="photo (11) by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="photo (11)" height="1024" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8331/8075449406_9fbf020f26_b.jpg" width="765" /></a></div>
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this is the last picture I took of my girl. At Dominics graduation from middle school.</div>
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<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/8075455891/" title="photo (10) by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="photo (10)" height="1024" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8194/8075455891_b120563404_b.jpg" width="765" /></a></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7364728148051842116.post-56177367371570260722012-10-01T15:52:00.001-07:002012-10-01T15:52:12.981-07:00cats.just because <div style="text-align: center;">
A big cat post, just because. Why not?
Doms cat and Brennas cat.</div>
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<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/8036999035/" title="IMG_8869 by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="IMG_8869" height="683" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8450/8036999035_4e0500c02a_b.jpg" width="1024" /></a><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/8037002266/" title="IMG_8867 by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="IMG_8867" height="683" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8312/8037002266_9b037b19e9_b.jpg" width="1024" /></a>
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/8037002800/" title="IMG_8864 by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="IMG_8864" height="683" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8452/8037002800_f0782a0748_b.jpg" width="1024" /></a>
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/8037002567/" title="IMG_8849 by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="IMG_8849" height="683" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8311/8037002567_81d4ec7890_b.jpg" width="1024" /></a>
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/8037004703/" title="IMG_8829 by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="IMG_8829" height="1024" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8042/8037004703_ef89fb6046_b.jpg" width="683" /></a>
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/8037005205/" title="IMG_8815 by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="IMG_8815" height="683" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8039/8037005205_3ec084ed66_b.jpg" width="1024" /></a>
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/8037008580/" title="IMG_8812 by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="IMG_8812" height="683" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8041/8037008580_acd53d35dd_b.jpg" width="1024" /></a>
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/8037006803/" title="IMG_8807 by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="IMG_8807" height="683" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8312/8037006803_81c5c0f6fa_b.jpg" width="1024" /></a>
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/8037007931/" title="IMG_8805 by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="IMG_8805" height="683" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8174/8037007931_48f2883a42_b.jpg" width="1024" /></a>
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/8037013230/" title="IMG_8795 by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="IMG_8795" height="1024" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8182/8037013230_c54382288c_b.jpg" width="683" /></a>
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/8037010935/" title="IMG_8790 by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="IMG_8790" height="683" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8033/8037010935_1566698078_b.jpg" width="1024" /></a>
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/8037017030/" title="IMG_8765 by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="IMG_8765" height="683" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8179/8037017030_de0739806c_b.jpg" width="1024" /></a>
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/8037014773/" title="IMG_8761 by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="IMG_8761" height="683" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8317/8037014773_d8f0b01914_b.jpg" width="1024" /></a>
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/8037018982/" title="IMG_8749 by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="IMG_8749" height="683" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8039/8037018982_a3366a8377_b.jpg" width="1024" /></a>
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/8037017165/" title="IMG_8738 by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="IMG_8738" height="683" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8309/8037017165_2644d084ff_b.jpg" width="1024" /></a>
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/8037017695/" title="IMG_8735 by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="IMG_8735" height="683" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8450/8037017695_7129c5d3e2_b.jpg" width="1024" /></a>
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/8037021024/" title="IMG_8732 by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="IMG_8732" height="683" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8318/8037021024_c315156628_b.jpg" width="1024" /></a></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7364728148051842116.post-73614119514875743392012-09-09T18:59:00.001-07:002012-09-09T19:00:42.239-07:00the kids are alright.<div style="text-align: center;">
Its been ages since I took my "real" camera out with me for just personal reasons.
Last week we went to the beach, it was hotter than hot and we only stayed for a short time, right towards the end Dominic and Brenna started giving me a show, so I took pictures.
Goodbye summer.
Hello cooler weather, whenever you decide to show up.</div>
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<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/7952582812/" title="IMG_7894 by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="IMG_7894" height="683" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8182/7952582812_4d2d56d42e_b.jpg" width="1024" /></a><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/7952580364/" title="IMG_7916 by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="IMG_7916" height="1024" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8307/7952580364_69e215fbf8_b.jpg" width="683" /></a>
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/7952579564/" title="IMG_7941 by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="IMG_7941" height="683" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8036/7952579564_de61e07eee_b.jpg" width="1024" /></a>
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/7952579062/" title="IMG_7947 by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="IMG_7947" height="683" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8435/7952579062_f11d5c82ae_b.jpg" width="1024" /></a>
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/7952578306/" title="IMG_7966 by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="IMG_7966" height="1024" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8296/7952578306_552ffd8889_b.jpg" width="683" /></a>
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/7952577366/" title="IMG_7969 by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="IMG_7969" height="683" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8448/7952577366_697c5a7525_b.jpg" width="1024" /></a>
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/7952575956/" title="IMG_7970 by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="IMG_7970" height="683" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8461/7952575956_770e0dd3c2_b.jpg" width="1024" /></a>
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/7952574650/" title="IMG_7972 by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="IMG_7972" height="683" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8181/7952574650_9f7ec83a48_b.jpg" width="1024" /></a>
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/7952574110/" title="IMG_7975 by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="IMG_7975" height="683" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8306/7952574110_272217a4df_b.jpg" width="1024" /></a>
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/7952573298/" title="IMG_7976 by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="IMG_7976" height="683" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8461/7952573298_89084fa342_b.jpg" width="1024" /></a>
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/7952572524/" title="IMG_7978 by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="IMG_7978" height="683" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8304/7952572524_173e9f6aae_b.jpg" width="1024" /></a>
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/7952571868/" title="IMG_7979 by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="IMG_7979" height="683" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8456/7952571868_07ceec5754_b.jpg" width="1024" /></a>
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/7952571136/" title="IMG_7984 by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="IMG_7984" height="683" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8459/7952571136_0165ce681d_b.jpg" width="1024" /></a>
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/7952570272/" title="IMG_7986 by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="IMG_7986" height="683" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8174/7952570272_1ae378b805_b.jpg" width="1024" /></a>
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/7952569290/" title="IMG_7988 by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="IMG_7988" height="683" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8304/7952569290_a792c43558_b.jpg" width="1024" /></a>
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/7952568284/" title="IMG_7997 by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="IMG_7997" height="683" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8315/7952568284_85fa582dd8_b.jpg" width="1024" /></a>
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/7952567308/" title="IMG_7998 by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="IMG_7998" height="683" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8170/7952567308_acdbccc75f_b.jpg" width="1024" /></a>
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/7952565852/" title="IMG_8003 by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="IMG_8003" height="683" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8320/7952565852_2ffcefc984_b.jpg" width="1024" /></a>
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/7952564662/" title="IMG_8019 by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="IMG_8019" height="683" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8444/7952564662_7261138942_b.jpg" width="1024" /></a>
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/7952563436/" title="IMG_8020 by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="IMG_8020" height="683" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8455/7952563436_7458d52508_b.jpg" width="1024" /></a>
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/7952562634/" title="IMG_8021 by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="IMG_8021" height="683" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8172/7952562634_42c7b859c8_b.jpg" width="1024" /></a>
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/7952561786/" title="IMG_8022 by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="IMG_8022" height="683" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8441/7952561786_a5a642b854_b.jpg" width="1024" /></a>
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/7952560862/" title="IMG_8024 by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="IMG_8024" height="1024" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8296/7952560862_351e1cc364_b.jpg" width="683" /></a>
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/7952560006/" title="IMG_8025 by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="IMG_8025" height="1024" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8458/7952560006_c1613accd0_b.jpg" width="683" /></a>
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/7952557276/" title="IMG_8029 by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="IMG_8029" height="683" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8452/7952557276_6188a59394_b.jpg" width="1024" /></a>
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/7952556430/" title="IMG_8030 by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="IMG_8030" height="683" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8035/7952556430_8fe9c8c590_b.jpg" width="1024" /></a>
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/7952555536/" title="IMG_8037 by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="IMG_8037" height="683" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8182/7952555536_89fc9b0cb4_b.jpg" width="1024" /></a>
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/7952551730/" title="IMG_8042 by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="IMG_8042" height="683" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8436/7952551730_cefc14916b_b.jpg" width="1024" /></a>
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/storyphotography/7952550478/" title="IMG_8054 by [Amy] 2nd Story, on Flickr"><img alt="IMG_8054" height="683" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8450/7952550478_439ba2e87b_b.jpg" width="1024" /></a></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7364728148051842116.post-36207797512373069262012-09-07T18:53:00.003-07:002012-09-07T18:54:36.897-07:00get real.<div style="text-align: center;">
As I sat here, staring at my computer screen, I thought about how the vibe in our house has changed as of late. I kind of expected it, I just wasnt sure exactly when it would happen. Apparently...its time.
As we approach the one year mark since we lost Alyssa, I feel our home taking longer, deeper sighs, I can feel it, there is a heaviness looming over the Sobrito house and it's starting to chip away at everyones attitudes and daily lives.
Ive heard from so many people how they have watched our family go thru this, how we are so strong, how our family is so amazingly close and united, and however I do appreciate the kind words and the uplifting outlook on how we all seem to be handling it...I think it is mostly viewed via Facebook or Instagram, therefore, let's face it, it is so incredibly easy to create this facade on a social network forum because you can pretty much choose how you want to come across, although when I take pictures with my iphone {because ever since I got my iphone I rarely pick up my "real camera" anymore...and just in saying that, that sounds funny because my phone isnt a camera but its what I use it the most for it seems like so my poor little Canon has taken a back seat to a bloody phone)</div>
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Picking up where I just rabbit trailed away from, when I post pictures on those forums I am literally taking them in the moment, Im not trying to create any certain feel, or attitude, Im just trying to show little pieces of my daily doings. From those I think some times people are assuming that we are doing amazing, our family is so cute and creative and happy and doing so well....but things are not always as they appear. Lets just say not only does the camera add 10 lbs, the Instagram filters should be named "smoke and mirrors"
Im just being real.
Yes, we are coming along, yes we are a family, a family who loves one another, my kids are awesomely artistic and musical and gorgeous and Nico and I have been married for 24 years and have been together since we were 17</div>
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Here is the part where there is #nofilter as they say on Instagram....
We are a family, a family who loves one another dearly, my kids fight, sometimes daily or ALL day. Brenna and I get into an arguement at least once a day, Dominic and Lucas literally can hardly be in the same room at the same time, Nico and I have been short with one another for what seems like months, Corbin left home for the first time and is doing the whole adult thing but we miss him, and in a sense there has just been a whole lot of freakin loss in this house this year. We fight, we argue, there probably have been quite a few days where "the sun has gone down upon our wrath" which I vowed as a teenager one night in my room while I was reading my Bible that I would never let happen in my relationships...never go to bed angry...well that commitment went right out the window this past year along with a whole lot of other things I thought I would never do. </div>
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Our house has been sad. So heavy and sad. I want to just rip the curtains open to our souls and let light and happiness pour in, I know that we will always think of Alyssa, and there will be days that are harder than others but just like this morning, Brenna woke up so happy because she had a happy dream about Alyssa, those are the moments that pour light into our house. Im tired of feeling like we live in the house on Monster House...we are kickin it to the curb.</div>
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I feel encouraged at least in knowing that although I know that I am nowhere near where I need to be as far as my relationship goes with Christ....He is there, I feel as though I have been abusing Him though and using Him for when I really feel like I need Him....this year...I have needed Him incredibly and I have spent many a night laying in my bed having these discussions with Him, debates, trying to make sense of things, begging for answers as to why Alyssa only got 22 years here, why? What in the world did she ever do?
I have come to realize so much more this past year that everyone does have a story, although someone may looks so put together, so buttoned up and beautiful, underneath all of the curly fancy trappings....they could just be barely holding it together, they could have just lost someone, or a job, maybe even their minds. I say that part kind of lightly but kind of not because alot of times this year I have felt like I was losing my mind. I try to keep a strong front, to come across as, "WOW, she's so strong, she is really dealing with all of this so gracefully" perhaps sometimes that can be said and it would be true but there are an aweful lot of times it might be said or thought and its just so the opposite.</div>
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Im not sitting here hanging streamers and baking a cake, making preparations to throw a huge pity party, Im just trying to get it out there that I like real. Just give me raw real emotion, not cute cliché quotes.
I love my family with all that I have. Sometimes I want to drop kick them all to the moon and be done, but those thoughts are fleeting because at the end of the day I know that we love one another no matter what, we have risen above things so many times, we always seem to come out a little stronger, a little closer, my kids may fight, say mean things, cause hurt feelings but at the end of the day, They love eachother with such a passion, I am envious of them that I didn't have that with all of my own siblings. I have 5 completely and utterly passionate kids who are all in one way or another artistic brained and thinking and sometimes its like their systems are on overload and in being so passionate about things, that same passion is there during a disagreement. I just pray always that they dont lose that flame, I pray daily that that passion remains in each of them and that it is directed towards good, positive things in life.
I am proud of every single one of them.
I love my family and realize that we are human, we are flawed, and scarred, broken but not forever. </div>
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We are just all trying to figure this all out on a daily basis, trying to get into a groove of knowing that Alyssa is gone, but keeping her alive in our hearts and in our home, talking about her, remembering her, loving her and missing her.
We will find that groove in time, I know that we will.
It may be crazy, but there isnt a day that goes by where I dont think of Alyssa, especially when I am in my bathroom getting ready for the day, I feel her in there all the time, perhaps because she spent alot of time in there talking to me while I would be doing my hair or she was doing hers...for whatever reason, I feel her there most, so I talk to her, in my head, but I talk to her, And Im thankful that I have a talking relationship with all of my kids, I love that Brenna and I have sushi time, and we can argue and in 5 minutes be sitting in her room staring at her cats or something, I love that I can have long talks with Corbin via text messages at midnight or 1 in the morning, if people read our texts that would be perplexed. Our topics are random but rich and full of depth....Im being serious about that too. We like to talk about life.
Domo and I talk about pretty much anything...he makes me laugh daily and it hurts me to see him missing his sister so much. That really grabs me by the throat. It saddens me to the core.
Lucas...I am just so thankful that he is still young and can be a source or kind of an escape from when things start feeling sufficated and gut-wrenching. He's a little light that shines </div>
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Nico...the amount of things that he has had to deal with, and has had shoveled on top of him, I don't see how he doesnt break, lately I have noticed a certain amount of hardening to his usual always jokey, upbeat soul. And I would like for the Nico to shine again who was the soldier of our house, Alyssas Nico Daddy, and the source of so much laughter.
Pray for my family.
Just you know....whenever we enter your thoughts
We are peeling away the ugliness and the sadness as October 16th approaches, and even typing that my throat feels like it fills with such a dark lump. It feels like I could choke. Chokingonlyrics...that was Alyssas email address, maybe thats what Im choking on...words. Because I do feel like I have so much to say, its just getting it out thats the harder part. </div>
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I love love.
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1