Hate me.

Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you.
Hate me in ways, in ways hard to swallow.
Hate me so you can finally see whats good for you.

Geez.

I miss Alyssa.

I miss her freckles.
Her lip ring.
The little chip in her tooth caused by her lip ring.
Her hands and how she would move them when she talked.
Seeing the ink on the sides of her hands from drawing...
Seeing her little tiny body curled up around a book or a journal.
Walking downstairs and seeing her sitting at my computer watching The Sopranos.
Her constant smokey eyes, she always had the day before mascara and eyeliner smudged around her eyes.
Her thumbs poking through the sleeves of her long sleeve shirts.
Her walk.
Her voice, always singing something.
Her love for the simple.
Her outward sunny side up attitude even when things were shit.
Her dancing in the car.
I miss hearing a new song and sharing it with her.
I miss "Hi Mum" texts.
I miss waking up and not having to think about how she's not here anymore.
I miss her big brown eyes and her worry eye brows
I miss hearing her say, "Don't cry over me mom"

Sometimes I just have to shelf her, thoughts about her or I feel like Ill lose my mind.

Things I don't miss.

I don't miss seeing her sad.
hearing her cry.
seeing her struggle.
seeing her cuts.
seeing her shrink away.
seeing her trying so hard to make it through a day where she didn't throw up.
hearing her say, "don't cry over me mom"
thinking about all of the things that had happened to her.
I don't miss trying to fix her and failing her.
I don't miss that fact that every day was a struggle for her.

There are so many things on a constant loop in my head.