365 days.

21.4.11


I typed the above numbers over a half hour ago.
I typed them, turned on some music....and sat. Literally sat here staring at the blinking curser.
Listening to the music, and staring at the numbers that make up the amount of time that she was here,
living, breathing, aware. The amount of time that she was able to experience the things around her. She experienced being born, crawling, biting {oh do I ever remember when she went thru that biting phase}, she learned that she would love animals, all the while she was here she loved them. Arthur, her first pet rat, she would sneak him to school in her book bag, he would ride on her shoulder when she rode her bike, later she would find a cat, a little black cat with an extra little claw on each paw...she named him Jinx....Mr. Jinx, she potty trained him to go outside so no litter box! She got squirrels to eat out of her hand and once while we were at Sea World for her 16th birthday....she took a penguin. I should say she tried, she had him in her arms but Nico made her realize how that might get her into a bit of trouble if she actually tried to go thru the gates with him. She had a cat that she found in Big Bear, well I think they found each other shortly after Jinx died...Alyssa named her Charlotte, she loved that cat and while we were on our way moving from California to Florida Charlotte ran away at one of our gas stops, but we found her, made it to Florida and shortly thereafter Alyssa found out that Charlotte was a boy....ummmm yah...so Hello Charlie...after that she/he ran away and that was that.
Over the course of her life she had many pets and loved them all.

She experienced learning to read, which she did at such an early age, once Nico walked in on her while she was going to the bathroom, she couldnt have been more than about 3 and she was sitting there, reading a golf magazine...Nico asked her what she was reading about she answered, "About chippin" And she was right, that's exactly what it was about.

She experienced swimming, and laughing and playing with her cousins, bubble baths, Littlest Pet Shops, singing, learning to play the piano, church, learning Bible verses, flying,traveling, Disneyland, sledding, snowfalls and fireworks, baking and arting with Lucas, walks with Dominic, make-up times with Brenna, talks with Corbin, the Sopranos, Family Guy, About a Boy and Muriels Wedding. Angelas Ashes and Gerard Way. Christmas and Halloween, her two favorite holidays, oh she loved them. Jack Skelington, Edward Scissor Hands.

She felt the sun, the wind, the ocean, happiness, love, excitement, newness, grace, cool breezes on her soft white freckled cheeks, and kisses on her little rosebud lips, driving down the road with the window down and the wind in her hair, she felt her Fathers love and protection, she saw sunsets and sunrises, she went to the movies, mountains, she love love LOVED new paper and pens. She lived and she had a voice.
She experienced so much in her short time here....some of the things that she experienced have made me question at times what this life is all about and why do some people have to feel these things, why at the hands of someone else did she have to feel scared, violated and utterly dark? Why at such a young age did she have to feel such horrors? Why did she have to feel like she was all alone?

She grew up from that little girl into a teenager and the things that she would experience would be a different kind of list of experiences.
She experienced being scared. lonliness, teasing, bullying, meaness, cutting and throwing up. She experienced hospitals, and sadness. I think for the most part, her teen years were black and blue. Overall hurtful. Who was once my little girl, was now this girl who was so broken and anxious, fretful, aching and mourning for her happy childhood that was lost along her journey. Someone took her lifes path and just tore it all to pieces, they hacked it up and destroyed what was instilled in her. She spent most of her teen years trying so hard to repair her path, to make sense of things, to figure out what was going on, to just find a peace and a place where she was happy within herself and that that peace would be just what it took to get her to the next chapter.

When I would look into her eyes...as a mother, I always knew I wasnt going to have her for a long time. I just knew. As a mother you sit and imagine what your children will be like as adults, and I never saw her. I would get scared and confused because no matter how hard I would try, she was never there.
I always felt as though she was going to leave young. I think I lived alot of my days waiting for "the call" I knew eventually she would be taken, I just knew it. She knew it too. My sweet Alyssa was a little flicker......she wanted so badly to burn bright, to live life to the fullest, to be young and free spirited, to do her art, to have her own place, to have us over, to be proud of herself, her foundation was a little cracked, but not completely broken.

She lived a life that had an amazing soundtrack I will say this.
I don't have a laundry list of all of these accomplishments that she had while here, no books full of ribbons or shelves covered in awards or achievements but to me, to me, she was incredible. She made me happy, she made me laugh, she made me a mom, she showed me so much about myself without even knowing that she was showing me all of this, she experienced childbirth and motherhood while she was here, she gave of herself. She gave a gift to someone that I dont think they will ever quite realize how hard it was for her to do. I hope someday they realize the grandness of Jack, and where he comes from. That little boy is meant to be. Someday....somehow there will be day that I will get to sit and tell him all about her. One of the last things that she said to me was, "Im going to make you proud of me, someday Im going to have my own place and have you over" I was proud of her, with or without her own place. She had a kind heart and at the end of the day I would take that over anything.

A couple days have passed since I started writing this, yesterday I spent the entire day in bed sicker than I have been in a long time, I couldn't help but think of her even more so, I thought this is how she left us, asleep in bed, I thought of how the night that she climbed into bed to go to sleep, to wake up the next morning for work...she had no idea that that is as far as she would go. I want to remember her happy, singing, drawing, laughing and living.

Today is one year.
It's the first thing I thought of when I woke up this morning. How a year ago today my life took a turn. I won't say for the worse because it hasnt been. I have lived and learned so much about myself in losing Alyssa...no regrets.

This song is a good ending to this blog.
We used to sing this and dance around the living room.
I love you Lyss.