Invincible.

I stopped writing on this blog so long ago and tonight while I was doing the dishes I remembered it.
I guess I don't even really know why I write on here in the first place, I started it so many years ago just as a form of keeping friends and family from far away in the loop, and then we lost Alyssa and it turned into more of a place for me to come and write my feelings that I was going through during the dreaded first months....then I just kind of quit. Who reads blogs anymore? I used to keep up with reading so many of my friends blogs but found that with so many social networks to stay tuned into people, reading and writing blogs kind of took a back seat.
Sorry guys.
Back to me doing the dishes earlier....
Yah, so, I was standing there washing away and listening to Muse in my ear and everything washed over me, Ive said it a million times since losing Alyssa and I will say it a million times more, it takes the smallest of things to send me right back to the night I was standing in Nile and Sofia's bedroom in San Francisco with Nico on the other end of the phone...
A lot lately more than usual Alyssa has been around. Say what you want, she's been here, in whatever form whether her spirit has been hanging around or maybe it just feels so much more solid because she's been so strong in my thoughts...whatever way...she's been here.
Let me tell you about her...some random things about her...
Even if not a soul reads this, I still need to voice it, I still need to talk about her for the mere fact that she was here, she did things, she said things, she drew things, she laughed, she cried, she had a baby, she struggled, she loved, she was mine.

Alyssa was different. Even from back when she was a teeny tiny girl, she was different. I remember sometimes when it was just she and I and I was pregnant with Corbin, she would hang out with me, playing with her toys, reading her books and she would give me a look, I remember sitting there looking at her and thinking, "whatcha got in that head of yours little girl because I feel like you know something that I don't know?" I remember always feeling like she was an old soul, like she wasn't new to all of this. I don't at all believe in reincarnation but I do believe that there are some of us who come into this world being a little more prepared than the rest of us, a little more in tune to the things that this world throws at us, that was Alyssa. It felt like such a short time that she was "little" and in saying "little" I mean, young-minded, I felt a lot of times like she was my peer. In some ways I wish I could go back and baby her more for a lot longer but that's just not how she was, one time I specifically remember crawling into her crib with her and sleeping with her, I remember feeling super connected with her like I was officially her mommy. Before, I hadn't felt that true connection yet. I didn't get to nurse her but only for a week...she had been flown to a hospital a ways away from us when she was born because she kept stopping breathing I had just turned 19 and didn't know what the heck I was doing and didn't realize until later on all of the bonding I missed out on, in a way when I think back on it I feel like was she the way she was because she had to be a strong little baby when she got taken to the children's hospital away from me and she learned from the get go how to do this life thing without me? I doubt it but thats how it felt.

I don't even know what I'm talking about...literally rambling going on right now guys.

Alyssa liked Bambi, acting like a cat, watching Lady and the Tramp, her pet rat Arthur, ABBA, Tim Burton, dancing, singing, drawing, pens, mustard and artichokes, eye liner, piercings, Gerard Way, the color black, her cat Jinx, showing Dominic the ways of the world, secrets with Corbin, having a little sister, cooking treats for Lucas, Jack, she loved him Oh so much, Her daddy, secretly (I think she loved him the most), crocheting, working, coffee and even more creamer, About a Boy, Love Actually, Gary Oldman, Muriel's Wedding, accents, Italy, anything Japanese, Asian soap operas, Tony Soprano, Family Guy, walking, laughing, The Office and Michael Scott, her Ipod, paper of any kind, Jordan Valenzuela, stealing {disclaimer: the girl had a stealing problem in highschool} like...she stole a rabbit from the pet store in the mall around Easter time because she wanted one and didn't have the money, I also feel like Michaels locks up their Pigma Micron and Copic sketch markers now because of her, she also tried to take a penguin from Sea World, she actually had it in her arms and was ready to bolt, she loved speaking with an accent of any kind, cooking, snow, she had such a keen sense of humor and was so quick with a comeback, her timing was on point. Her mind was clever, if Alyssa was a cartoon character she would be Coraline, mixed with a little bit of the girl from Inside Out and the kids from Spirited Away and Sally from Nitemare Before Christmas and the hair of Ariel from Little Mermaid, she always wanted long hair like her when she was little, she loved the movies Riding in Cars with Boys, and Mermaids, she had a crush on Marcus from About a Boy {if she could only see him now, she would really be gaga} and for you Alyssa to quote one of your favorite movies "I HATE uncle Jamie"!

This all just scratches the surface really.
I have met and become close to so many people since losing Alyssa and they only know her through us talking about her..Taylor, Amanda, Kelley, Sam, I know 100% that Alyssa would have loved every single one of you, she would have her inside jokes with you, she would have gotten you to watch something with her, or sit and talk to her, she would have made you laugh...that is a for sure thing. She also probably would have made you cry. Lyric, as you grow up and learn more and more about your namesake, you're going to be so proud to call her your Zia.

this is the song that was playing while I was doing the dishes tonight... Muse: Invincible
Its got a part in it with the guitars that sends me reeling. These are the little things that get me, when I want to text her and say...."listen to this...I know you would like it" She appreciated good music which made her even better :-)

By the way...the picture up there on the top of all of this, is Alyssa's hip, with a tattoo of Jacks initials, that she tattooed on herself.

Follow through
Make your dreams come true
Don't give up the fight
You will be alright
'Cause there's no one like you in the universe

Don't be afraid
What your mind conceives
You should make a stand
Stand up for what you believe
And tonight
We can truly say
Together we're invincible

During the struggle
They will pull us down
But please, please
Let's use this chance
To turn things around
And tonight
We can truly say
Together we're invincible

Do it on your own
It makes no difference to me
What you leave behind
What you choose to be
And whatever they say
Your soul's unbreakable

During the struggle
They will pull us down
But please, please
Let's use this chance
To turn things around
And tonight
We can truly say
Together we're invincible
Together we're invincible

During the struggle
They will pull us down
Please, please
Let's use this chance
To turn things around
And tonight
We can truly say
Together we're invincible
Together we're invincible

19.

She is 19 today. I miss the little days SO much. These 19 years have been so full of "goosebumps" with her for many reasons and I call them goose bumps because her nickname since the day she came home from the hospital has been Goose. Corbin named her that. I put her in his arms to hold and he looked at her and said, "She's so little, like a tiny little goose" and from then on...she was Goose. She has provided us with many goosebump moments over time some for instance, eating bacon grease straight from the pan, eating a cock roach, eating dog poop, eat butter crisco, drinking toilet water while using her little church shoe as a cup, do you see a pattern here? She was so little but around 9-10 she was forced to grow up faster than usual because Nico and I kind of lost our way during all of the things that we were going thru with Alyssa. Brenna became the "big sister" and was left alot in charge of Dominic and Lucas Although she loved being big sister and was very good at mothering I think it wasn't fair to her, looking back now, I know that it wasn't fair to her. Her little life felt the effects of her sisters, and then her parents as well. She should have been "little sister" for longer, alot longer. Shes got one heck of a strong will this is for sure, and when she wants something, or wants something to happen, she will make sure that it does. Thru all of this, over the years, shes grown into a beautiful big sister to Dominic and Lucas. She will forever be little sister to Alyssa and Corbin and to Nico and I, she will always be the little tiny Goose who colored her face with a green marker while she was supposed to be sleeping. She's ours and although we may have had some major epic fails as parents, we haven't always done things the right way and haven't always set the best example, we will still and forever be a family that sticks together.

 

all grown up.

 

new slang.

Ha! I'd like to say that this blog is the beginning of at least one a week, but, its always easier said than done with me right now. so for today, it's happening. Its been a foggy week or two for me. Nothing too terrible, just the usual sad moments of missing Alyssa, and feeling disconnected in a way to alot that's around me. I'm missing friends. Andrea.....why did you move so far away? I could really go for a night at Macaroni Grill talking rubbish and eating just as much of it as we could talk. Two of my photog friends now live near one another and oh how lucky are they. I am thankful for the friends who I do have around me. Cynthia, lunch was fun! I love how we both spent our time giving each other lipstick checks. We are a mess. Somethings gotta give. Im feelin it. Yah, not in a Blink182 kind of way. The other day I told Lucas that Im taking him to church this week and he said, "Ohhh, I have to get a suitcase!!" Either he thinks that it is really far away....or that we have alot of "baggage" he's probably right.....I need a suitcase. I'm completely open and ready to feast on some worship. Nicos Grandma Helen passed away yesterday. What a great woman she was. I couldn't help but imagine Alyssa running to meet her, it made me smile.

 This week in a few photos.

 

empire of dirt.

Have a little listen to two of my loves. Corbin and Brenna recorded this the other night. I am so in love with the fact that my children give me such lovely things to listen to and that they all have such a huge love and passion for music. My kids have been thru alot over the past year and each one of them has dealt with losing Alyssa in different ways, and each one has felt her loss in different ways but the common thread between all of them is that they just miss her, they miss her intensely, they miss her deeply. We have all found different ways to deal with her being gone, and I love, I mean seriously LOVE that my kids have found their way of dealing thru music. It's a healing agent.

 Yesterday Brenna picked up her cat Mumfords ashes because she had him cremated when he died....and she sat in the car holding the little box and just cried. She said that she was just so sick of it....so dang sick of it. She showed them to me and it hit me..its crazy the things that pop into mind. I sat there...looking at his ashes...and thought about how a little over a year ago I could have said, "I have never seen what cremation remains look like" I know that sounds kind of morbid...but its true, its something I could have said. Yah, could have said...now, in the past year, I've seen 4. FOUR

Flesh and bones. At the end of the day whats left isn't your loved one but just merely the body, the shell that their soul took up residence in to walk this life. They live on outside of the flesh and bones that wear and tear over time. Some don't even make it to the point of wearing and tearing but their short time of residency was lived with just as much passion, love, and intensity. They loved and they were loved. They had an impact. Alyssa lives on in her son who turned 5 today. Wherever he is right now, whatever he's doing, I pray that Alyssa is enjoying a little piece of his day with him. Happy Birthday Jack Vincent. She will forever be a part of you. Something that no one will ever be able to take away. She's still right here. Some day you will hear all about her. i love you.

everythings burning.

Guess what guys. It's December. Christmas #2 without her. I really don't mean for my blog to be a place of constant sadness, I really don't. It's just....I was sitting here listening to music tonight and thought how much this time of year was one of her favorite times. Where are all of the cut out snowflakes she loved making? Seriously, I could scream right now. I't not kidding. I've been super busy the past month and a half with client sessions and stuff and so it was a little easier for me to put certain thoughts on the back burner, and now tonight...I find myself sitting here listening to music and here she is. For the life of me I have a really hard time trying to imagine not speaking with her every again in this lifetime. Do you think its possible she can hear me when I talk to her? I like to think she's hanging around, under a shade tree, drawing, singing, imagining and smiling. I guess she doesnt really need to "imagine" anything anymore because where she is now....she's living it, she's seeing it, she's experiencing it. You know losing three people in my life in such a short time has really left me with something, a feeling that I can't even explain, it's not a pity thing, I think, 3 people who were in my life, are now with Jesus, literally with him, thats mind boggling yet comforting. I am so thankful that Alyssa is with my mom and my sister. Here is a song that Brenna sang sometime around last Christmas....so shortly after losing Alyssa.

first this too...this always makes me smile.



 

and for funs....a video Alyssa and Brenna were trying to make......

 

thankful.

I start this blog right now sitting in my room at my computer desk, listening to the sounds of my little home. I am thankful for all of these sounds and voices even though at times I feel as though my head could explode from all of the noise...it's late and Brenna just got home from work and now everyone is home and everyone is still awake. I hear a banjo being played by Corbin in one of the bedrooms, I hear Brenna giving Dominic exact directions on what to do with the things on the ledge that need to be taken downstairs, one of which is a bag of cat poop from the literbox that Brenna just cleaned out. Dominic walked by and asked me if I wanted some "dung" No thank-you Dom, I'm good in the dung department, but thank-you and I hear Lucas coming up the stairs singing the lyrics..."bury my heart next to yours...." lyrics from a Mumford and Sons song. I look up and see Alyssa's happy smiling face and am both torn because shes not here but so grateful for all five of them. I am grateful for each of their faces and hearts, I am thankful that God blessed me with 5 truly creative, passionate and artful souls. Where will their paths take them? My heart is torn tonight, another holiday without Alyssa. That always sounds so final but its a reality that I am faced with at the arrival of each holiday on the calendar. I miss my girl so much, I miss her ability to keep the peace. I miss her sweet voice and the past couple of days when Brenna has been talking to me, I have heard Alyssa SO much in her voice, it's crazy. Tonight I reflect on what's happened since last year at this time and will forever try to take from it lessons and a gratefulness for the time that I do get to have with my family, with all of their perfect imperfections.

 I actually did a session this morning with my own kids! Amazing! Those will come soon!

Mumfs.

Sadness and loss has struck our family yet once again. Mumford. He had to be put down yesterday, again Brenna had to make that hard decision to have him put down because he was suffering so badly. Her poor little Mumfs. She loved him beyond words. She loves all of her boys. Marcus, Malachi and Mumford. Malachi and Mumford were brothers from the same liter, they were super close and Malachi sat with him all day yesterday until we could take Mumford to the vet, he knew something was wrong with his brother, and today, I can tell he knows that something is different. To know the bond that Brenna has with her cats, you have to know how much this has crushed her yet once again, remember she just did this 3 months ago with Muriel. I am happy that I was able to take these pictures of her and her Mumfs during their last bit of time together. It was a very special time. He didn't look very sick but he was very sick. His fever was over 105 and he had all of the symptoms pointing to a very bad infection and disease.  My heart aches for Brenna, she has had so much loss happen over the past year. Grow stronger from this Brenna. I love you and your boys SO much!    

sick kitty.

There is a sick kitty in our house and it's breaking my heart. A couple of days ago Mumford started acting a little off and keeps going and hiding, doesn't really want to eat or drink too much and is just really lethargic. It's not really like him and Brenna is really scared that he may have what Muriel died from which was called FIP. She is taking him in this afternoon to have him looked at. Poor Brenna, it's been one thing after another for her...I am praying that whatever it is that's wrong with him can be treated and he will back to his usual little self again soon. Malachi would be so lonely without his brother. Look at how comforting he's being to his sick little brother.

Malachi and Mumford.

 

Mumford and Sons

So! Those who read this blog or even slightly know me know that I love Mumford and Sons and knows that Brenna and I went to see them this past Saturday! Amazing!! I didn't take a ton of pictures of the day because we were too busy being super cool at the Hollywood Bowl hearing super great music but here are a few

So that was driving into LA. Buildings buildings and more buildings! It's cool and all however I wouldn't want to live there, {sorry to all of you LA dwellers, the big city just isn't for me}

 

LET US IN!

 

They really were awesome and we met some very cool people who were sitting around us. I forgot that the Hollywood Bowl is an outdoor venue and Brenna only had on a tank top and a flannel shirt...we were FREEZING but it was so worth it, we froze right along with everyone else, once Mumford and Sons started up, we stood up and stood the entire 2 hours! I didnt feel my toes for over two hours but so what, who cares? They sang so much, and Brenna was able to yell to Marcus Mumford to tell him that she named her cats after him...now whether he heard her or not, who knows, but she got to tell him and that's all that mattered to her :) She kinda sorta has a crush on the fella. I love that they have such a snazzy dressed fan-base, really I do. I didn't see one pair of saggy pants in the whole place! Hip Hip!! If you haven't listened to them yet...give their new album Babel some earttention. Get it? No but really....listen to them! I have video, but Ill spare you, only because I didn't get time to upload it, but they sang Lucas's favorite song and I told Lucas that I yelled from the crowd and asked them to sing Below My Feet for Lucas and so they did. (at least thats what I told Lucas) and he thinks its true and said, "Ohhh thats so cool" He wants a kick drum and I bet you he gets one! LOVE.