voice in the wind.

So let's just clear the air right now and verify that I do indeed suck at keeping up with a blog.
I try and try and always have so much to say but that always requires me to actually sit down and
take the time to get all of those thoughts out of my head and onto here. Not so easy. I should really just scrap it and go back to a journal, a real life paper to pen experience....nah.

So.

I really wanted to talk about the dream that I had about Alyssa the other night. While it was still fresh
in my memories. I've had quite a few dreams about her the past few months and the one the other night
was one of those "felt so real" ones. I love those. When those come, I feel as though I really was with her, like she really was just sharing the same space with me. The dream was random but it all made sense as it was happening. Alyssa and I were sitting at a cafe somewhere, it was somewhere really busy because I remember people walking all over the place, rushing, talking, having coffee. She was sitting at the little table with me outside of the cafe and I knew that she was gone, yet she was sitting there right in front of my face. I asked her how is that she gets to be around me all the time? She told me that she can come around whenever I want her to be there, she told me that only I could see her. At that moment I remember feeling really sad and told her that she didnt have to feel as though she had to stay and sit around with me just to make me feel better, I remember saying, plus people are going to think Im a nutter sitting here talking to "myself" all the time. She told me it wasnt like that, that noone would notice me talking to "myself" I just felt really bad though thinking that she felt like she had to stay close to me so that I wouldn't be sad, but I remember in my dream feeling like I didn't want to resist her being around too much because I was afraid that in saying that...she would leave and not come back to visit me. She looked so cute. She had her legs kicked over the arm of her chair and her hair was up, I just remember I kept thinking...she looks french and she didn't have a care in the world and she was content.

I'll be back.

19.

She is 19 today. I miss the little days SO much. These 19 years have been so full of "goosebumps" with her for many reasons and I call them goose bumps because her nickname since the day she came home from the hospital has been Goose. Corbin named her that. I put her in his arms to hold and he looked at her and said, "She's so little, like a tiny little goose" and from then on...she was Goose. She has provided us with many goosebump moments over time some for instance, eating bacon grease straight from the pan, eating a cock roach, eating dog poop, eat butter crisco, drinking toilet water while using her little church shoe as a cup, do you see a pattern here? She was so little but around 9-10 she was forced to grow up faster than usual because Nico and I kind of lost our way during all of the things that we were going thru with Alyssa. Brenna became the "big sister" and was left alot in charge of Dominic and Lucas Although she loved being big sister and was very good at mothering I think it wasn't fair to her, looking back now, I know that it wasn't fair to her. Her little life felt the effects of her sisters, and then her parents as well. She should have been "little sister" for longer, alot longer. Shes got one heck of a strong will this is for sure, and when she wants something, or wants something to happen, she will make sure that it does. Thru all of this, over the years, shes grown into a beautiful big sister to Dominic and Lucas. She will forever be little sister to Alyssa and Corbin and to Nico and I, she will always be the little tiny Goose who colored her face with a green marker while she was supposed to be sleeping. She's ours and although we may have had some major epic fails as parents, we haven't always done things the right way and haven't always set the best example, we will still and forever be a family that sticks together.

 

all grown up.

 

what do I desire.

Someone sent this to me to watch. wow. So worth watching and really asking yourself, "what do I desire"? So many of us are hamsters stuck in a wheel getting nowhere, going nowhere different, stuck in the mundane rat race that is survival. After losing Alyssa, time felt so much more precious, so much quicker, so much more valuable. What do I desire?
 I want to
 Feel.
 Travel.
 Sing.
 Shoot.
 Love.
 See.
 Move.
 Find.
 Swim.
 Learn.
 Experience.
 Teach.

lucas

I've been enjoying time with this little human an extra amount lately. He's pretty cool I have to say. Ever since I started homeschooling him I've felt closer to him. I don't regret the decision to homeschool him one bit. He's clever and he keeps things light-hearted when times are not so light. He's a light. And.....a super hero! I took him to play today....how in the world does he get so dirty!? he was flying over head....Ahhhhh!

new slang.

Ha! I'd like to say that this blog is the beginning of at least one a week, but, its always easier said than done with me right now. so for today, it's happening. Its been a foggy week or two for me. Nothing too terrible, just the usual sad moments of missing Alyssa, and feeling disconnected in a way to alot that's around me. I'm missing friends. Andrea.....why did you move so far away? I could really go for a night at Macaroni Grill talking rubbish and eating just as much of it as we could talk. Two of my photog friends now live near one another and oh how lucky are they. I am thankful for the friends who I do have around me. Cynthia, lunch was fun! I love how we both spent our time giving each other lipstick checks. We are a mess. Somethings gotta give. Im feelin it. Yah, not in a Blink182 kind of way. The other day I told Lucas that Im taking him to church this week and he said, "Ohhh, I have to get a suitcase!!" Either he thinks that it is really far away....or that we have alot of "baggage" he's probably right.....I need a suitcase. I'm completely open and ready to feast on some worship. Nicos Grandma Helen passed away yesterday. What a great woman she was. I couldn't help but imagine Alyssa running to meet her, it made me smile.

 This week in a few photos.

 

foggy.

today is the 16th.....for about twenty more minutes anyways. 15 months ago today sleeping beauty went to sleep, she never woke up. I can hardly even think about that, it's hard sometimes to wrap my mind around that idea. My girl got herself ready for bed, knowing that she had to be to work the next day, got into bed, and fell wide asleep. I never even got to tell her goodbye. I never got to make sure she knew that I love her. It would be so easy to be bitter, to be swallowed up in regret, or want vengeance, but it wouldn't take the pain away that losing her has clawed it's way into my heart. I know I will see her again, but right now, I want to see her. I literally think about her too much maybe. I have 4 other children who are alive and here, right now, I just can't help but feel guilty sometimes still even if I'm laughing or enjoying something. I have conversations in my head with her all the time, like, all day long. I told her today sometimes I think that I forget that I am still amongst the living. I get lost in thought, in listening to music, in lyrics, in crying, in missing and feel like in losing her I have become so much more of a loner than I ever was before. I have to remember sometimes that I'm not alone. I've lived 15 months with her gone, deep breaths, big sighs, heavy heart, I can do this. right?

empire of dirt.

Have a little listen to two of my loves. Corbin and Brenna recorded this the other night. I am so in love with the fact that my children give me such lovely things to listen to and that they all have such a huge love and passion for music. My kids have been thru alot over the past year and each one of them has dealt with losing Alyssa in different ways, and each one has felt her loss in different ways but the common thread between all of them is that they just miss her, they miss her intensely, they miss her deeply. We have all found different ways to deal with her being gone, and I love, I mean seriously LOVE that my kids have found their way of dealing thru music. It's a healing agent.

 Yesterday Brenna picked up her cat Mumfords ashes because she had him cremated when he died....and she sat in the car holding the little box and just cried. She said that she was just so sick of it....so dang sick of it. She showed them to me and it hit me..its crazy the things that pop into mind. I sat there...looking at his ashes...and thought about how a little over a year ago I could have said, "I have never seen what cremation remains look like" I know that sounds kind of morbid...but its true, its something I could have said. Yah, could have said...now, in the past year, I've seen 4. FOUR

Flesh and bones. At the end of the day whats left isn't your loved one but just merely the body, the shell that their soul took up residence in to walk this life. They live on outside of the flesh and bones that wear and tear over time. Some don't even make it to the point of wearing and tearing but their short time of residency was lived with just as much passion, love, and intensity. They loved and they were loved. They had an impact. Alyssa lives on in her son who turned 5 today. Wherever he is right now, whatever he's doing, I pray that Alyssa is enjoying a little piece of his day with him. Happy Birthday Jack Vincent. She will forever be a part of you. Something that no one will ever be able to take away. She's still right here. Some day you will hear all about her. i love you.

thankful.

I start this blog right now sitting in my room at my computer desk, listening to the sounds of my little home. I am thankful for all of these sounds and voices even though at times I feel as though my head could explode from all of the noise...it's late and Brenna just got home from work and now everyone is home and everyone is still awake. I hear a banjo being played by Corbin in one of the bedrooms, I hear Brenna giving Dominic exact directions on what to do with the things on the ledge that need to be taken downstairs, one of which is a bag of cat poop from the literbox that Brenna just cleaned out. Dominic walked by and asked me if I wanted some "dung" No thank-you Dom, I'm good in the dung department, but thank-you and I hear Lucas coming up the stairs singing the lyrics..."bury my heart next to yours...." lyrics from a Mumford and Sons song. I look up and see Alyssa's happy smiling face and am both torn because shes not here but so grateful for all five of them. I am grateful for each of their faces and hearts, I am thankful that God blessed me with 5 truly creative, passionate and artful souls. Where will their paths take them? My heart is torn tonight, another holiday without Alyssa. That always sounds so final but its a reality that I am faced with at the arrival of each holiday on the calendar. I miss my girl so much, I miss her ability to keep the peace. I miss her sweet voice and the past couple of days when Brenna has been talking to me, I have heard Alyssa SO much in her voice, it's crazy. Tonight I reflect on what's happened since last year at this time and will forever try to take from it lessons and a gratefulness for the time that I do get to have with my family, with all of their perfect imperfections.

 I actually did a session this morning with my own kids! Amazing! Those will come soon!

Mumfs.

Sadness and loss has struck our family yet once again. Mumford. He had to be put down yesterday, again Brenna had to make that hard decision to have him put down because he was suffering so badly. Her poor little Mumfs. She loved him beyond words. She loves all of her boys. Marcus, Malachi and Mumford. Malachi and Mumford were brothers from the same liter, they were super close and Malachi sat with him all day yesterday until we could take Mumford to the vet, he knew something was wrong with his brother, and today, I can tell he knows that something is different. To know the bond that Brenna has with her cats, you have to know how much this has crushed her yet once again, remember she just did this 3 months ago with Muriel. I am happy that I was able to take these pictures of her and her Mumfs during their last bit of time together. It was a very special time. He didn't look very sick but he was very sick. His fever was over 105 and he had all of the symptoms pointing to a very bad infection and disease.  My heart aches for Brenna, she has had so much loss happen over the past year. Grow stronger from this Brenna. I love you and your boys SO much!