what do I desire.

Someone sent this to me to watch. wow. So worth watching and really asking yourself, "what do I desire"? So many of us are hamsters stuck in a wheel getting nowhere, going nowhere different, stuck in the mundane rat race that is survival. After losing Alyssa, time felt so much more precious, so much quicker, so much more valuable. What do I desire?
 I want to
 Feel.
 Travel.
 Sing.
 Shoot.
 Love.
 See.
 Move.
 Find.
 Swim.
 Learn.
 Experience.
 Teach.

lucas

I've been enjoying time with this little human an extra amount lately. He's pretty cool I have to say. Ever since I started homeschooling him I've felt closer to him. I don't regret the decision to homeschool him one bit. He's clever and he keeps things light-hearted when times are not so light. He's a light. And.....a super hero! I took him to play today....how in the world does he get so dirty!? he was flying over head....Ahhhhh!

Mumfs.

Sadness and loss has struck our family yet once again. Mumford. He had to be put down yesterday, again Brenna had to make that hard decision to have him put down because he was suffering so badly. Her poor little Mumfs. She loved him beyond words. She loves all of her boys. Marcus, Malachi and Mumford. Malachi and Mumford were brothers from the same liter, they were super close and Malachi sat with him all day yesterday until we could take Mumford to the vet, he knew something was wrong with his brother, and today, I can tell he knows that something is different. To know the bond that Brenna has with her cats, you have to know how much this has crushed her yet once again, remember she just did this 3 months ago with Muriel. I am happy that I was able to take these pictures of her and her Mumfs during their last bit of time together. It was a very special time. He didn't look very sick but he was very sick. His fever was over 105 and he had all of the symptoms pointing to a very bad infection and disease.  My heart aches for Brenna, she has had so much loss happen over the past year. Grow stronger from this Brenna. I love you and your boys SO much!    

The day after.

I've had about a trillion different things going thru my head over the past couple of days that I have wanted to write about, some concerning the elections, some other topics but you know, after sitting here and reading thru my stream on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter...etc...I think that the slinging of opinions can take a little rest,I myself am responsible for putting a few zingers out there into social network world and right now, where it stands the 44th President has been elected and whether you voted for him or not, whether you believe in everything he says, now, the mission should be to be an example to the younger generation of voters who are watching and listening to all of this back and forth going on, some who are being told that they should hate Romney or hate Obama {depending on who their parents voted for} Everyone can't win, everyone can't have their way. Tis life and reality but how we choose to react when our "team" doesn't win is what matters a whole lot. I've read some pretty nasty stuff from both sides and it saddens me that people who appeared to be friends in both real life or "cyber life" have become bitter enemies over this whole election, LOVE one another. It's that simple. Allow others to have their opinion as you project yours but at the end of the conversation/debate/whatever let it be done there and walk away remaining friends. While things may not be going exactly the way that some may have wanted, that is where faith comes in, having faith that the God who created this world is still here watching over it. I just truly know, that after losing Alyssa, how very short life is, even if you live to be 100, in the grand scheme of it all, life is still short. And so with that being said, I want to live my life with as little sadness, negativity, anger, rudeness, cruelness that I possibly can and would rather fill my days with as much faith, hope and love that I possibly can pack into each day. I love all of my friends, Obamaians and Romneyians alike. At the end of the day I'd just like to sit and have a cup of coffee with every one of you and talk about nothing that has to do with politics but everything that has to do with nail polish, music, our kids, our photography, our blahs and our ahhhs! And come on peeps, Pot was legalized in Colorado and Washington last night {Anddd putting the lid back on to that can of worms I just opened} :) I have really been thinking alot LOT lately how I feel like it's time to make a move of some sort, my heart feels like its wandering, kind of like it soaring and it's looking for a new place to land. I'll explain more later.
 


this is one of the only videos I could find of this song that didn't have a ton of Twilight stuff in it. Next week the new vote starts...Team Edward or Team Jacob. Everyone play nice.

October 10.

Its coming. This entire month has been filled with glances at the calendar and internal count downs to different dates. A countdown until the last time I talked to her, a countdown until the day before it happened, wondering what she was doing, if she was happy, if she knew how much I loved her., a countdown to the day that it happened.  It's just too much sometimes, it really is. God knows that I have been trying to be positive, to be upbeat, to be thankful and grateful and all those cool things but to be honest...I just don't feel like it. I do have times where I feel like, Oh my gosh, I'm making it thru this with much more ease than I thought I would. But then just as soon as Im complimenting myself and having a little party in my head for doing so well with all of this...I go into a downward spiral and it can be something SO incredibly small that just pulls me right back down where I feel like Im right back in Nile and Sofias bedroom hearing Nico on the other end of the telephone telling me that she was gone.

 What the heck.

 She's really gone.

 The other day I was in my bedroom, and walked past the picture wall and Alyssa caught my eye, and like a giant something or other just fell on my chest and took my breath away and I thought...."wait...what?" And I remember telling myself, "Amy...she's really gone, gone like you aren't going to see her in the physical form anymore, ever again, never...ever....again." Over this past year I can not tell you how happy I am that I have always been such a picture taking freak, I have so many pictures of her to pour over, to soak up, sometimes I wish I could jump into the picture with her and be back at that moment when it was taken.

 If only we really lived our lives as if we really arent promised the next breath. Its easy, so so easy to say that that is how we should live, but actually doing that is a whole other story. I am always telling the kids to love one another and to not fight with each other or say mean things to one another because they never know what may happen before the next time you see that person, and sadly after this year we can really say that but even still, life and human nature just blurs all of that sometimes, and the fights still happen, the mean things are still said to one another, and people are hurt.

 Every time I think about her I get a song in my heart, it varies, sometimes its Bright Eyes, sometimes The Fray, Eminem, Mercy Me, My Chemical Romance, ABBA, the soundtrack from My Best Friends Wedding, oh gosh....I remember when the kids were younger, and we lived back in Wisconsin, we would blast music and dance around the living room, or the kitchen, wherever, but we would dance until we were sweating, we would belt out songs like Be a Man from Mulan....or Son of Man from Tarzan, or Alyssa and Corbin would make songs up in the car. I seriously have the coolest kids. Now your life really is as good as an ABBA song Lyss.

  "we will run and scream, you will dance with me, we'll fullfill our dreams and we'll be free...and sadness will be far away" I will love with urgency. 

 Mumford and Sons just gets it right. 

 One of my favorite ever pictures of Lyssa. With her Nico.

 

this is the last picture I took of my girl. At Dominics graduation from middle school.

 

the kids are alright.

Its been ages since I took my "real" camera out with me for just personal reasons. Last week we went to the beach, it was hotter than hot and we only stayed for a short time, right towards the end Dominic and Brenna started giving me a show, so I took pictures. Goodbye summer. Hello cooler weather, whenever you decide to show up.