Invincible.

I stopped writing on this blog so long ago and tonight while I was doing the dishes I remembered it.
I guess I don't even really know why I write on here in the first place, I started it so many years ago just as a form of keeping friends and family from far away in the loop, and then we lost Alyssa and it turned into more of a place for me to come and write my feelings that I was going through during the dreaded first months....then I just kind of quit. Who reads blogs anymore? I used to keep up with reading so many of my friends blogs but found that with so many social networks to stay tuned into people, reading and writing blogs kind of took a back seat.
Sorry guys.
Back to me doing the dishes earlier....
Yah, so, I was standing there washing away and listening to Muse in my ear and everything washed over me, Ive said it a million times since losing Alyssa and I will say it a million times more, it takes the smallest of things to send me right back to the night I was standing in Nile and Sofia's bedroom in San Francisco with Nico on the other end of the phone...
A lot lately more than usual Alyssa has been around. Say what you want, she's been here, in whatever form whether her spirit has been hanging around or maybe it just feels so much more solid because she's been so strong in my thoughts...whatever way...she's been here.
Let me tell you about her...some random things about her...
Even if not a soul reads this, I still need to voice it, I still need to talk about her for the mere fact that she was here, she did things, she said things, she drew things, she laughed, she cried, she had a baby, she struggled, she loved, she was mine.

Alyssa was different. Even from back when she was a teeny tiny girl, she was different. I remember sometimes when it was just she and I and I was pregnant with Corbin, she would hang out with me, playing with her toys, reading her books and she would give me a look, I remember sitting there looking at her and thinking, "whatcha got in that head of yours little girl because I feel like you know something that I don't know?" I remember always feeling like she was an old soul, like she wasn't new to all of this. I don't at all believe in reincarnation but I do believe that there are some of us who come into this world being a little more prepared than the rest of us, a little more in tune to the things that this world throws at us, that was Alyssa. It felt like such a short time that she was "little" and in saying "little" I mean, young-minded, I felt a lot of times like she was my peer. In some ways I wish I could go back and baby her more for a lot longer but that's just not how she was, one time I specifically remember crawling into her crib with her and sleeping with her, I remember feeling super connected with her like I was officially her mommy. Before, I hadn't felt that true connection yet. I didn't get to nurse her but only for a week...she had been flown to a hospital a ways away from us when she was born because she kept stopping breathing I had just turned 19 and didn't know what the heck I was doing and didn't realize until later on all of the bonding I missed out on, in a way when I think back on it I feel like was she the way she was because she had to be a strong little baby when she got taken to the children's hospital away from me and she learned from the get go how to do this life thing without me? I doubt it but thats how it felt.

I don't even know what I'm talking about...literally rambling going on right now guys.

Alyssa liked Bambi, acting like a cat, watching Lady and the Tramp, her pet rat Arthur, ABBA, Tim Burton, dancing, singing, drawing, pens, mustard and artichokes, eye liner, piercings, Gerard Way, the color black, her cat Jinx, showing Dominic the ways of the world, secrets with Corbin, having a little sister, cooking treats for Lucas, Jack, she loved him Oh so much, Her daddy, secretly (I think she loved him the most), crocheting, working, coffee and even more creamer, About a Boy, Love Actually, Gary Oldman, Muriel's Wedding, accents, Italy, anything Japanese, Asian soap operas, Tony Soprano, Family Guy, walking, laughing, The Office and Michael Scott, her Ipod, paper of any kind, Jordan Valenzuela, stealing {disclaimer: the girl had a stealing problem in highschool} like...she stole a rabbit from the pet store in the mall around Easter time because she wanted one and didn't have the money, I also feel like Michaels locks up their Pigma Micron and Copic sketch markers now because of her, she also tried to take a penguin from Sea World, she actually had it in her arms and was ready to bolt, she loved speaking with an accent of any kind, cooking, snow, she had such a keen sense of humor and was so quick with a comeback, her timing was on point. Her mind was clever, if Alyssa was a cartoon character she would be Coraline, mixed with a little bit of the girl from Inside Out and the kids from Spirited Away and Sally from Nitemare Before Christmas and the hair of Ariel from Little Mermaid, she always wanted long hair like her when she was little, she loved the movies Riding in Cars with Boys, and Mermaids, she had a crush on Marcus from About a Boy {if she could only see him now, she would really be gaga} and for you Alyssa to quote one of your favorite movies "I HATE uncle Jamie"!

This all just scratches the surface really.
I have met and become close to so many people since losing Alyssa and they only know her through us talking about her..Taylor, Amanda, Kelley, Sam, I know 100% that Alyssa would have loved every single one of you, she would have her inside jokes with you, she would have gotten you to watch something with her, or sit and talk to her, she would have made you laugh...that is a for sure thing. She also probably would have made you cry. Lyric, as you grow up and learn more and more about your namesake, you're going to be so proud to call her your Zia.

this is the song that was playing while I was doing the dishes tonight... Muse: Invincible
Its got a part in it with the guitars that sends me reeling. These are the little things that get me, when I want to text her and say...."listen to this...I know you would like it" She appreciated good music which made her even better :-)

By the way...the picture up there on the top of all of this, is Alyssa's hip, with a tattoo of Jacks initials, that she tattooed on herself.

Follow through
Make your dreams come true
Don't give up the fight
You will be alright
'Cause there's no one like you in the universe

Don't be afraid
What your mind conceives
You should make a stand
Stand up for what you believe
And tonight
We can truly say
Together we're invincible

During the struggle
They will pull us down
But please, please
Let's use this chance
To turn things around
And tonight
We can truly say
Together we're invincible

Do it on your own
It makes no difference to me
What you leave behind
What you choose to be
And whatever they say
Your soul's unbreakable

During the struggle
They will pull us down
But please, please
Let's use this chance
To turn things around
And tonight
We can truly say
Together we're invincible
Together we're invincible

During the struggle
They will pull us down
Please, please
Let's use this chance
To turn things around
And tonight
We can truly say
Together we're invincible
Together we're invincible

goodnight goodnight

Goodnight my sweet girl.

Tomorrow would have been a day you woke up, alive, and 25.

Wow. That sound's brutal.

Happy Birthday my gorgeous girl, my forever young Alyssa.

I've struggled with a crap ton this year, for some reason, this one almost seems harder, perhaps this

next year it will get better?

I feel like it will.

I've worked so hard to keep you alive in my heart, your memory, your existence, your name

on the tip of my tongue all the time, I say "worked" because it has been a struggle, a balancing

act in a way....the whole trying to be here in the now but finding myself constantly dipping into the

past, to relive something...anything with you....my life now consist of "before Alyssa" "after Alyssa"

Geez Lyss..I will forever count it as a gift that the last thing you said to me was, "I love you"

25 years ago tomorrow I birthed you.. you were this precious innocent little ball

of squishy goodness with rose-bud lips and the happiest disposition ever. I remember thinking, If all babies are this easy, I'll have a ton of them.

My God....had I known that very day....the day you were born that I would have 22 years 4 months and 11 days with you...I think about that often...if we all knew the number of our days, how different would life be lived?

It makes my head ache thinking about it to be honest.....

I pray your voice never leaves my head,  I pray that your sister and brothers will always live

knowing that you left them with so many lessons in life, so many memories, so many gems to carry

with them throughout their lives.

This song makes me think of her........ Always has. I think I have listened to it almost every day since that day.

 

voice in the wind.

So let's just clear the air right now and verify that I do indeed suck at keeping up with a blog.
I try and try and always have so much to say but that always requires me to actually sit down and
take the time to get all of those thoughts out of my head and onto here. Not so easy. I should really just scrap it and go back to a journal, a real life paper to pen experience....nah.

So.

I really wanted to talk about the dream that I had about Alyssa the other night. While it was still fresh
in my memories. I've had quite a few dreams about her the past few months and the one the other night
was one of those "felt so real" ones. I love those. When those come, I feel as though I really was with her, like she really was just sharing the same space with me. The dream was random but it all made sense as it was happening. Alyssa and I were sitting at a cafe somewhere, it was somewhere really busy because I remember people walking all over the place, rushing, talking, having coffee. She was sitting at the little table with me outside of the cafe and I knew that she was gone, yet she was sitting there right in front of my face. I asked her how is that she gets to be around me all the time? She told me that she can come around whenever I want her to be there, she told me that only I could see her. At that moment I remember feeling really sad and told her that she didnt have to feel as though she had to stay and sit around with me just to make me feel better, I remember saying, plus people are going to think Im a nutter sitting here talking to "myself" all the time. She told me it wasnt like that, that noone would notice me talking to "myself" I just felt really bad though thinking that she felt like she had to stay close to me so that I wouldn't be sad, but I remember in my dream feeling like I didn't want to resist her being around too much because I was afraid that in saying that...she would leave and not come back to visit me. She looked so cute. She had her legs kicked over the arm of her chair and her hair was up, I just remember I kept thinking...she looks french and she didn't have a care in the world and she was content.

I'll be back.

what do I desire.

Someone sent this to me to watch. wow. So worth watching and really asking yourself, "what do I desire"? So many of us are hamsters stuck in a wheel getting nowhere, going nowhere different, stuck in the mundane rat race that is survival. After losing Alyssa, time felt so much more precious, so much quicker, so much more valuable. What do I desire?
 I want to
 Feel.
 Travel.
 Sing.
 Shoot.
 Love.
 See.
 Move.
 Find.
 Swim.
 Learn.
 Experience.
 Teach.

new slang.

Ha! I'd like to say that this blog is the beginning of at least one a week, but, its always easier said than done with me right now. so for today, it's happening. Its been a foggy week or two for me. Nothing too terrible, just the usual sad moments of missing Alyssa, and feeling disconnected in a way to alot that's around me. I'm missing friends. Andrea.....why did you move so far away? I could really go for a night at Macaroni Grill talking rubbish and eating just as much of it as we could talk. Two of my photog friends now live near one another and oh how lucky are they. I am thankful for the friends who I do have around me. Cynthia, lunch was fun! I love how we both spent our time giving each other lipstick checks. We are a mess. Somethings gotta give. Im feelin it. Yah, not in a Blink182 kind of way. The other day I told Lucas that Im taking him to church this week and he said, "Ohhh, I have to get a suitcase!!" Either he thinks that it is really far away....or that we have alot of "baggage" he's probably right.....I need a suitcase. I'm completely open and ready to feast on some worship. Nicos Grandma Helen passed away yesterday. What a great woman she was. I couldn't help but imagine Alyssa running to meet her, it made me smile.

 This week in a few photos.

 

foggy.

today is the 16th.....for about twenty more minutes anyways. 15 months ago today sleeping beauty went to sleep, she never woke up. I can hardly even think about that, it's hard sometimes to wrap my mind around that idea. My girl got herself ready for bed, knowing that she had to be to work the next day, got into bed, and fell wide asleep. I never even got to tell her goodbye. I never got to make sure she knew that I love her. It would be so easy to be bitter, to be swallowed up in regret, or want vengeance, but it wouldn't take the pain away that losing her has clawed it's way into my heart. I know I will see her again, but right now, I want to see her. I literally think about her too much maybe. I have 4 other children who are alive and here, right now, I just can't help but feel guilty sometimes still even if I'm laughing or enjoying something. I have conversations in my head with her all the time, like, all day long. I told her today sometimes I think that I forget that I am still amongst the living. I get lost in thought, in listening to music, in lyrics, in crying, in missing and feel like in losing her I have become so much more of a loner than I ever was before. I have to remember sometimes that I'm not alone. I've lived 15 months with her gone, deep breaths, big sighs, heavy heart, I can do this. right?

empire of dirt.

Have a little listen to two of my loves. Corbin and Brenna recorded this the other night. I am so in love with the fact that my children give me such lovely things to listen to and that they all have such a huge love and passion for music. My kids have been thru alot over the past year and each one of them has dealt with losing Alyssa in different ways, and each one has felt her loss in different ways but the common thread between all of them is that they just miss her, they miss her intensely, they miss her deeply. We have all found different ways to deal with her being gone, and I love, I mean seriously LOVE that my kids have found their way of dealing thru music. It's a healing agent.

 Yesterday Brenna picked up her cat Mumfords ashes because she had him cremated when he died....and she sat in the car holding the little box and just cried. She said that she was just so sick of it....so dang sick of it. She showed them to me and it hit me..its crazy the things that pop into mind. I sat there...looking at his ashes...and thought about how a little over a year ago I could have said, "I have never seen what cremation remains look like" I know that sounds kind of morbid...but its true, its something I could have said. Yah, could have said...now, in the past year, I've seen 4. FOUR

Flesh and bones. At the end of the day whats left isn't your loved one but just merely the body, the shell that their soul took up residence in to walk this life. They live on outside of the flesh and bones that wear and tear over time. Some don't even make it to the point of wearing and tearing but their short time of residency was lived with just as much passion, love, and intensity. They loved and they were loved. They had an impact. Alyssa lives on in her son who turned 5 today. Wherever he is right now, whatever he's doing, I pray that Alyssa is enjoying a little piece of his day with him. Happy Birthday Jack Vincent. She will forever be a part of you. Something that no one will ever be able to take away. She's still right here. Some day you will hear all about her. i love you.

everythings burning.

Guess what guys. It's December. Christmas #2 without her. I really don't mean for my blog to be a place of constant sadness, I really don't. It's just....I was sitting here listening to music tonight and thought how much this time of year was one of her favorite times. Where are all of the cut out snowflakes she loved making? Seriously, I could scream right now. I't not kidding. I've been super busy the past month and a half with client sessions and stuff and so it was a little easier for me to put certain thoughts on the back burner, and now tonight...I find myself sitting here listening to music and here she is. For the life of me I have a really hard time trying to imagine not speaking with her every again in this lifetime. Do you think its possible she can hear me when I talk to her? I like to think she's hanging around, under a shade tree, drawing, singing, imagining and smiling. I guess she doesnt really need to "imagine" anything anymore because where she is now....she's living it, she's seeing it, she's experiencing it. You know losing three people in my life in such a short time has really left me with something, a feeling that I can't even explain, it's not a pity thing, I think, 3 people who were in my life, are now with Jesus, literally with him, thats mind boggling yet comforting. I am so thankful that Alyssa is with my mom and my sister. Here is a song that Brenna sang sometime around last Christmas....so shortly after losing Alyssa.

first this too...this always makes me smile.



 

and for funs....a video Alyssa and Brenna were trying to make......

 

thankful.

I start this blog right now sitting in my room at my computer desk, listening to the sounds of my little home. I am thankful for all of these sounds and voices even though at times I feel as though my head could explode from all of the noise...it's late and Brenna just got home from work and now everyone is home and everyone is still awake. I hear a banjo being played by Corbin in one of the bedrooms, I hear Brenna giving Dominic exact directions on what to do with the things on the ledge that need to be taken downstairs, one of which is a bag of cat poop from the literbox that Brenna just cleaned out. Dominic walked by and asked me if I wanted some "dung" No thank-you Dom, I'm good in the dung department, but thank-you and I hear Lucas coming up the stairs singing the lyrics..."bury my heart next to yours...." lyrics from a Mumford and Sons song. I look up and see Alyssa's happy smiling face and am both torn because shes not here but so grateful for all five of them. I am grateful for each of their faces and hearts, I am thankful that God blessed me with 5 truly creative, passionate and artful souls. Where will their paths take them? My heart is torn tonight, another holiday without Alyssa. That always sounds so final but its a reality that I am faced with at the arrival of each holiday on the calendar. I miss my girl so much, I miss her ability to keep the peace. I miss her sweet voice and the past couple of days when Brenna has been talking to me, I have heard Alyssa SO much in her voice, it's crazy. Tonight I reflect on what's happened since last year at this time and will forever try to take from it lessons and a gratefulness for the time that I do get to have with my family, with all of their perfect imperfections.

 I actually did a session this morning with my own kids! Amazing! Those will come soon!

The day after.

I've had about a trillion different things going thru my head over the past couple of days that I have wanted to write about, some concerning the elections, some other topics but you know, after sitting here and reading thru my stream on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter...etc...I think that the slinging of opinions can take a little rest,I myself am responsible for putting a few zingers out there into social network world and right now, where it stands the 44th President has been elected and whether you voted for him or not, whether you believe in everything he says, now, the mission should be to be an example to the younger generation of voters who are watching and listening to all of this back and forth going on, some who are being told that they should hate Romney or hate Obama {depending on who their parents voted for} Everyone can't win, everyone can't have their way. Tis life and reality but how we choose to react when our "team" doesn't win is what matters a whole lot. I've read some pretty nasty stuff from both sides and it saddens me that people who appeared to be friends in both real life or "cyber life" have become bitter enemies over this whole election, LOVE one another. It's that simple. Allow others to have their opinion as you project yours but at the end of the conversation/debate/whatever let it be done there and walk away remaining friends. While things may not be going exactly the way that some may have wanted, that is where faith comes in, having faith that the God who created this world is still here watching over it. I just truly know, that after losing Alyssa, how very short life is, even if you live to be 100, in the grand scheme of it all, life is still short. And so with that being said, I want to live my life with as little sadness, negativity, anger, rudeness, cruelness that I possibly can and would rather fill my days with as much faith, hope and love that I possibly can pack into each day. I love all of my friends, Obamaians and Romneyians alike. At the end of the day I'd just like to sit and have a cup of coffee with every one of you and talk about nothing that has to do with politics but everything that has to do with nail polish, music, our kids, our photography, our blahs and our ahhhs! And come on peeps, Pot was legalized in Colorado and Washington last night {Anddd putting the lid back on to that can of worms I just opened} :) I have really been thinking alot LOT lately how I feel like it's time to make a move of some sort, my heart feels like its wandering, kind of like it soaring and it's looking for a new place to land. I'll explain more later.
 


this is one of the only videos I could find of this song that didn't have a ton of Twilight stuff in it. Next week the new vote starts...Team Edward or Team Jacob. Everyone play nice.

thistle and weed.

It's Friday already, I can't believe it. This week was so off right from the beginning since all day Monday I was sick in bed feeling like I was tapping at Heavens door. I know that sounds so dramatic but seriously guys, I laid in my bed thinking, How can someone possibly feel this sick and still be alive. My throat was so disgusting, I will spare you from the gross descriptions and pictures of it. Really, you should thank me. 

 Tuesday was the 16th and I think anyone who knows me knows that that day was a delicate one. It was a quiet day spent with my family, I didn't cry all day, Im not sure I really "tried" not to cry, but I just didn't. I was strong maybe, maybe it was all of the cold meds, I dont know. However, the next day....I cried three times. One of those times I walked into Brennas room to tell her something and she was sitting on her bedroom floor cutting a t shirt or something and for a brief second I thought she was Alyssa, I took a quick breath almost like, excitement and then realized the truth and then.....started crying. I am going to see her again one day. This I know. For while I am here, my mission is to make sure everyone knows that she was here, to make sure people feel loved, to be an encouragement and a light.

 This stinks...I thought the sickness was gone, far away gone, and this afternoon, I'm thinking...maybe not so much. Every time I swallow I feel that little lump in the back of my throat and I feel achy. And now, Brenna and Lucas are getting the funk.

 Keep the earth below my feet. Mumford and Sons.

 Keep my eyes to serve, my hands to learn. again...Mumford and Sons.

 Going to see them on November 10th. I will cry, I know it. Not because Im celebrity struck because honestly, I don't really care about that kind of thing, but I know I'll cry because of the lyrics that will be flowing from that dudes heart. I always have this thing happen to me when I am in a situation surrounded by people, if I see that they are super happy, or something really awesome is happening for someone, or the vibe is just screaming happiness....I cry. My mom always used to tell me that I was too sensitive, I dont know if Im "too" sensitive but I do feel like I take on others feelings to almost a crippling point sometimes. I think Corbin has it too. Ive seen it happen to him.

 I will love with urgency and not with haste. Mumford and Sons.

 Right, so here is a quickie view into the past week in our house.

sick.

 

 majorly delicious food made by Synthia

 

 

andddddd got to get up to go get Brenna from the train station, that was fun!

   

some of us on the 16th.

 

 Brenna. Holding on to a little clutch that Alyssa had crocheted. I know why this picture is so special.

   

 us.    

 

 So while I was so sick I got caught up on Downton Abbey. Brenna....there is a fella for you somewhere out there like him. (not his character on the show though, he's not such a nice fella)

   

 Farley. The dog with the most nicknames ever.

 

[home]school is in session.

 

there is nothing I love more than waking up to this kind of stuff.

 

Luke thought he was so funny putting his freezing feet in my shirt.

 

really Farley?

   

 xoxox

we are family.

I had all kinds of emotions leading up to how this day would play out, what would happen, how would we recognize it. Nothing ever seemed to make sense or seem right, I almost felt like a big deal needed to be made but I just couldn't think of just what it might be that we would do. The day before I had been so sick I could even think about it, I think that was a good thing actually, I wasn't dwelling. I woke up this morning feeling so much better, I woke up missing my girl. I replayed last year in my head all over again, I spent the entire morning in my room, I spent the entire day with my family, different family members at different times but we were all together all day, we didn't do anything spectacular but we spent time together and honestly I think it worked out just as it was suppose to.

 I heard so many sweet things from so many sweet people, all of your texts and messages mean the world, the flowers and that delish refresher that you brought over Taylor...yum! I am so thankful for so many sweet people that have been with our family during this tough year. I feel like with this one year marker I am almost expected to be "over it" but please forgive me if I'm not. If it were only that easy, but honestly, I dont think its meant to be that easy, I feel as though if it were easy, nothing would be cherished, nothing would be gained, nothing would be learned, nothing would be made stronger, thru loss I have learned so much and I feel like it all happened as it was meant to and for a reason.

 My hope is that if in any way, I can be a help to someone else who happens to be going thru this same thing. I hope that I can be an encouragement and even just a tiny light in the dark path that one has to walk after losing someone. I am taking away from this past year many valuable lessons and they aren't really ones that I can explain, I feel like it's something that an individual needs to go thru on their own to feel it and learn it. Each person might take away something different from it. 

Today was day 365, I've made it for that many days without her, and honestly it didnt feel any different from day 61 or day 211 or day 3 they are all days Im here and she isn't and rather than sit and count the days that Im here and she isn't, I'd like to just live them, knowing that she knew how very much I loved her and how very much I loved the 22 years 4 months and 11 days that she was here. She's still here though, shes all over the place. In her drawings, her writings, in her siblings, when I look at Nico, when I see Jack, she's here. 

 Thank you again to every single one of you souls who have been there for us.