goodnight goodnight

Goodnight my sweet girl.

Tomorrow would have been a day you woke up, alive, and 25.

Wow. That sound's brutal.

Happy Birthday my gorgeous girl, my forever young Alyssa.

I've struggled with a crap ton this year, for some reason, this one almost seems harder, perhaps this

next year it will get better?

I feel like it will.

I've worked so hard to keep you alive in my heart, your memory, your existence, your name

on the tip of my tongue all the time, I say "worked" because it has been a struggle, a balancing

act in a way....the whole trying to be here in the now but finding myself constantly dipping into the

past, to relive something...anything with you....my life now consist of "before Alyssa" "after Alyssa"

Geez Lyss..I will forever count it as a gift that the last thing you said to me was, "I love you"

25 years ago tomorrow I birthed you.. you were this precious innocent little ball

of squishy goodness with rose-bud lips and the happiest disposition ever. I remember thinking, If all babies are this easy, I'll have a ton of them.

My God....had I known that very day....the day you were born that I would have 22 years 4 months and 11 days with you...I think about that often...if we all knew the number of our days, how different would life be lived?

It makes my head ache thinking about it to be honest.....

I pray your voice never leaves my head,  I pray that your sister and brothers will always live

knowing that you left them with so many lessons in life, so many memories, so many gems to carry

with them throughout their lives.

This song makes me think of her........ Always has. I think I have listened to it almost every day since that day.

 

what do I desire.

Someone sent this to me to watch. wow. So worth watching and really asking yourself, "what do I desire"? So many of us are hamsters stuck in a wheel getting nowhere, going nowhere different, stuck in the mundane rat race that is survival. After losing Alyssa, time felt so much more precious, so much quicker, so much more valuable. What do I desire?
 I want to
 Feel.
 Travel.
 Sing.
 Shoot.
 Love.
 See.
 Move.
 Find.
 Swim.
 Learn.
 Experience.
 Teach.

lucas

I've been enjoying time with this little human an extra amount lately. He's pretty cool I have to say. Ever since I started homeschooling him I've felt closer to him. I don't regret the decision to homeschool him one bit. He's clever and he keeps things light-hearted when times are not so light. He's a light. And.....a super hero! I took him to play today....how in the world does he get so dirty!? he was flying over head....Ahhhhh!

new slang.

Ha! I'd like to say that this blog is the beginning of at least one a week, but, its always easier said than done with me right now. so for today, it's happening. Its been a foggy week or two for me. Nothing too terrible, just the usual sad moments of missing Alyssa, and feeling disconnected in a way to alot that's around me. I'm missing friends. Andrea.....why did you move so far away? I could really go for a night at Macaroni Grill talking rubbish and eating just as much of it as we could talk. Two of my photog friends now live near one another and oh how lucky are they. I am thankful for the friends who I do have around me. Cynthia, lunch was fun! I love how we both spent our time giving each other lipstick checks. We are a mess. Somethings gotta give. Im feelin it. Yah, not in a Blink182 kind of way. The other day I told Lucas that Im taking him to church this week and he said, "Ohhh, I have to get a suitcase!!" Either he thinks that it is really far away....or that we have alot of "baggage" he's probably right.....I need a suitcase. I'm completely open and ready to feast on some worship. Nicos Grandma Helen passed away yesterday. What a great woman she was. I couldn't help but imagine Alyssa running to meet her, it made me smile.

 This week in a few photos.

 

empire of dirt.

Have a little listen to two of my loves. Corbin and Brenna recorded this the other night. I am so in love with the fact that my children give me such lovely things to listen to and that they all have such a huge love and passion for music. My kids have been thru alot over the past year and each one of them has dealt with losing Alyssa in different ways, and each one has felt her loss in different ways but the common thread between all of them is that they just miss her, they miss her intensely, they miss her deeply. We have all found different ways to deal with her being gone, and I love, I mean seriously LOVE that my kids have found their way of dealing thru music. It's a healing agent.

 Yesterday Brenna picked up her cat Mumfords ashes because she had him cremated when he died....and she sat in the car holding the little box and just cried. She said that she was just so sick of it....so dang sick of it. She showed them to me and it hit me..its crazy the things that pop into mind. I sat there...looking at his ashes...and thought about how a little over a year ago I could have said, "I have never seen what cremation remains look like" I know that sounds kind of morbid...but its true, its something I could have said. Yah, could have said...now, in the past year, I've seen 4. FOUR

Flesh and bones. At the end of the day whats left isn't your loved one but just merely the body, the shell that their soul took up residence in to walk this life. They live on outside of the flesh and bones that wear and tear over time. Some don't even make it to the point of wearing and tearing but their short time of residency was lived with just as much passion, love, and intensity. They loved and they were loved. They had an impact. Alyssa lives on in her son who turned 5 today. Wherever he is right now, whatever he's doing, I pray that Alyssa is enjoying a little piece of his day with him. Happy Birthday Jack Vincent. She will forever be a part of you. Something that no one will ever be able to take away. She's still right here. Some day you will hear all about her. i love you.

thankful.

I start this blog right now sitting in my room at my computer desk, listening to the sounds of my little home. I am thankful for all of these sounds and voices even though at times I feel as though my head could explode from all of the noise...it's late and Brenna just got home from work and now everyone is home and everyone is still awake. I hear a banjo being played by Corbin in one of the bedrooms, I hear Brenna giving Dominic exact directions on what to do with the things on the ledge that need to be taken downstairs, one of which is a bag of cat poop from the literbox that Brenna just cleaned out. Dominic walked by and asked me if I wanted some "dung" No thank-you Dom, I'm good in the dung department, but thank-you and I hear Lucas coming up the stairs singing the lyrics..."bury my heart next to yours...." lyrics from a Mumford and Sons song. I look up and see Alyssa's happy smiling face and am both torn because shes not here but so grateful for all five of them. I am grateful for each of their faces and hearts, I am thankful that God blessed me with 5 truly creative, passionate and artful souls. Where will their paths take them? My heart is torn tonight, another holiday without Alyssa. That always sounds so final but its a reality that I am faced with at the arrival of each holiday on the calendar. I miss my girl so much, I miss her ability to keep the peace. I miss her sweet voice and the past couple of days when Brenna has been talking to me, I have heard Alyssa SO much in her voice, it's crazy. Tonight I reflect on what's happened since last year at this time and will forever try to take from it lessons and a gratefulness for the time that I do get to have with my family, with all of their perfect imperfections.

 I actually did a session this morning with my own kids! Amazing! Those will come soon!

Mumfs.

Sadness and loss has struck our family yet once again. Mumford. He had to be put down yesterday, again Brenna had to make that hard decision to have him put down because he was suffering so badly. Her poor little Mumfs. She loved him beyond words. She loves all of her boys. Marcus, Malachi and Mumford. Malachi and Mumford were brothers from the same liter, they were super close and Malachi sat with him all day yesterday until we could take Mumford to the vet, he knew something was wrong with his brother, and today, I can tell he knows that something is different. To know the bond that Brenna has with her cats, you have to know how much this has crushed her yet once again, remember she just did this 3 months ago with Muriel. I am happy that I was able to take these pictures of her and her Mumfs during their last bit of time together. It was a very special time. He didn't look very sick but he was very sick. His fever was over 105 and he had all of the symptoms pointing to a very bad infection and disease.  My heart aches for Brenna, she has had so much loss happen over the past year. Grow stronger from this Brenna. I love you and your boys SO much!