Hate me.

Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you.
Hate me in ways, in ways hard to swallow.
Hate me so you can finally see whats good for you.

Geez.

I miss Alyssa.

I miss her freckles.
Her lip ring.
The little chip in her tooth caused by her lip ring.
Her hands and how she would move them when she talked.
Seeing the ink on the sides of her hands from drawing...
Seeing her little tiny body curled up around a book or a journal.
Walking downstairs and seeing her sitting at my computer watching The Sopranos.
Her constant smokey eyes, she always had the day before mascara and eyeliner smudged around her eyes.
Her thumbs poking through the sleeves of her long sleeve shirts.
Her walk.
Her voice, always singing something.
Her love for the simple.
Her outward sunny side up attitude even when things were shit.
Her dancing in the car.
I miss hearing a new song and sharing it with her.
I miss "Hi Mum" texts.
I miss waking up and not having to think about how she's not here anymore.
I miss her big brown eyes and her worry eye brows
I miss hearing her say, "Don't cry over me mom"

Sometimes I just have to shelf her, thoughts about her or I feel like Ill lose my mind.

Things I don't miss.

I don't miss seeing her sad.
hearing her cry.
seeing her struggle.
seeing her cuts.
seeing her shrink away.
seeing her trying so hard to make it through a day where she didn't throw up.
hearing her say, "don't cry over me mom"
thinking about all of the things that had happened to her.
I don't miss trying to fix her and failing her.
I don't miss that fact that every day was a struggle for her.

There are so many things on a constant loop in my head.

Invincible.

I stopped writing on this blog so long ago and tonight while I was doing the dishes I remembered it.
I guess I don't even really know why I write on here in the first place, I started it so many years ago just as a form of keeping friends and family from far away in the loop, and then we lost Alyssa and it turned into more of a place for me to come and write my feelings that I was going through during the dreaded first months....then I just kind of quit. Who reads blogs anymore? I used to keep up with reading so many of my friends blogs but found that with so many social networks to stay tuned into people, reading and writing blogs kind of took a back seat.
Sorry guys.
Back to me doing the dishes earlier....
Yah, so, I was standing there washing away and listening to Muse in my ear and everything washed over me, Ive said it a million times since losing Alyssa and I will say it a million times more, it takes the smallest of things to send me right back to the night I was standing in Nile and Sofia's bedroom in San Francisco with Nico on the other end of the phone...
A lot lately more than usual Alyssa has been around. Say what you want, she's been here, in whatever form whether her spirit has been hanging around or maybe it just feels so much more solid because she's been so strong in my thoughts...whatever way...she's been here.
Let me tell you about her...some random things about her...
Even if not a soul reads this, I still need to voice it, I still need to talk about her for the mere fact that she was here, she did things, she said things, she drew things, she laughed, she cried, she had a baby, she struggled, she loved, she was mine.

Alyssa was different. Even from back when she was a teeny tiny girl, she was different. I remember sometimes when it was just she and I and I was pregnant with Corbin, she would hang out with me, playing with her toys, reading her books and she would give me a look, I remember sitting there looking at her and thinking, "whatcha got in that head of yours little girl because I feel like you know something that I don't know?" I remember always feeling like she was an old soul, like she wasn't new to all of this. I don't at all believe in reincarnation but I do believe that there are some of us who come into this world being a little more prepared than the rest of us, a little more in tune to the things that this world throws at us, that was Alyssa. It felt like such a short time that she was "little" and in saying "little" I mean, young-minded, I felt a lot of times like she was my peer. In some ways I wish I could go back and baby her more for a lot longer but that's just not how she was, one time I specifically remember crawling into her crib with her and sleeping with her, I remember feeling super connected with her like I was officially her mommy. Before, I hadn't felt that true connection yet. I didn't get to nurse her but only for a week...she had been flown to a hospital a ways away from us when she was born because she kept stopping breathing I had just turned 19 and didn't know what the heck I was doing and didn't realize until later on all of the bonding I missed out on, in a way when I think back on it I feel like was she the way she was because she had to be a strong little baby when she got taken to the children's hospital away from me and she learned from the get go how to do this life thing without me? I doubt it but thats how it felt.

I don't even know what I'm talking about...literally rambling going on right now guys.

Alyssa liked Bambi, acting like a cat, watching Lady and the Tramp, her pet rat Arthur, ABBA, Tim Burton, dancing, singing, drawing, pens, mustard and artichokes, eye liner, piercings, Gerard Way, the color black, her cat Jinx, showing Dominic the ways of the world, secrets with Corbin, having a little sister, cooking treats for Lucas, Jack, she loved him Oh so much, Her daddy, secretly (I think she loved him the most), crocheting, working, coffee and even more creamer, About a Boy, Love Actually, Gary Oldman, Muriel's Wedding, accents, Italy, anything Japanese, Asian soap operas, Tony Soprano, Family Guy, walking, laughing, The Office and Michael Scott, her Ipod, paper of any kind, Jordan Valenzuela, stealing {disclaimer: the girl had a stealing problem in highschool} like...she stole a rabbit from the pet store in the mall around Easter time because she wanted one and didn't have the money, I also feel like Michaels locks up their Pigma Micron and Copic sketch markers now because of her, she also tried to take a penguin from Sea World, she actually had it in her arms and was ready to bolt, she loved speaking with an accent of any kind, cooking, snow, she had such a keen sense of humor and was so quick with a comeback, her timing was on point. Her mind was clever, if Alyssa was a cartoon character she would be Coraline, mixed with a little bit of the girl from Inside Out and the kids from Spirited Away and Sally from Nitemare Before Christmas and the hair of Ariel from Little Mermaid, she always wanted long hair like her when she was little, she loved the movies Riding in Cars with Boys, and Mermaids, she had a crush on Marcus from About a Boy {if she could only see him now, she would really be gaga} and for you Alyssa to quote one of your favorite movies "I HATE uncle Jamie"!

This all just scratches the surface really.
I have met and become close to so many people since losing Alyssa and they only know her through us talking about her..Taylor, Amanda, Kelley, Sam, I know 100% that Alyssa would have loved every single one of you, she would have her inside jokes with you, she would have gotten you to watch something with her, or sit and talk to her, she would have made you laugh...that is a for sure thing. She also probably would have made you cry. Lyric, as you grow up and learn more and more about your namesake, you're going to be so proud to call her your Zia.

this is the song that was playing while I was doing the dishes tonight... Muse: Invincible
Its got a part in it with the guitars that sends me reeling. These are the little things that get me, when I want to text her and say...."listen to this...I know you would like it" She appreciated good music which made her even better :-)

By the way...the picture up there on the top of all of this, is Alyssa's hip, with a tattoo of Jacks initials, that she tattooed on herself.

Follow through
Make your dreams come true
Don't give up the fight
You will be alright
'Cause there's no one like you in the universe

Don't be afraid
What your mind conceives
You should make a stand
Stand up for what you believe
And tonight
We can truly say
Together we're invincible

During the struggle
They will pull us down
But please, please
Let's use this chance
To turn things around
And tonight
We can truly say
Together we're invincible

Do it on your own
It makes no difference to me
What you leave behind
What you choose to be
And whatever they say
Your soul's unbreakable

During the struggle
They will pull us down
But please, please
Let's use this chance
To turn things around
And tonight
We can truly say
Together we're invincible
Together we're invincible

During the struggle
They will pull us down
Please, please
Let's use this chance
To turn things around
And tonight
We can truly say
Together we're invincible
Together we're invincible

goodnight goodnight

Goodnight my sweet girl.

Tomorrow would have been a day you woke up, alive, and 25.

Wow. That sound's brutal.

Happy Birthday my gorgeous girl, my forever young Alyssa.

I've struggled with a crap ton this year, for some reason, this one almost seems harder, perhaps this

next year it will get better?

I feel like it will.

I've worked so hard to keep you alive in my heart, your memory, your existence, your name

on the tip of my tongue all the time, I say "worked" because it has been a struggle, a balancing

act in a way....the whole trying to be here in the now but finding myself constantly dipping into the

past, to relive something...anything with you....my life now consist of "before Alyssa" "after Alyssa"

Geez Lyss..I will forever count it as a gift that the last thing you said to me was, "I love you"

25 years ago tomorrow I birthed you.. you were this precious innocent little ball

of squishy goodness with rose-bud lips and the happiest disposition ever. I remember thinking, If all babies are this easy, I'll have a ton of them.

My God....had I known that very day....the day you were born that I would have 22 years 4 months and 11 days with you...I think about that often...if we all knew the number of our days, how different would life be lived?

It makes my head ache thinking about it to be honest.....

I pray your voice never leaves my head,  I pray that your sister and brothers will always live

knowing that you left them with so many lessons in life, so many memories, so many gems to carry

with them throughout their lives.

This song makes me think of her........ Always has. I think I have listened to it almost every day since that day.

 

voice in the wind.

So let's just clear the air right now and verify that I do indeed suck at keeping up with a blog.
I try and try and always have so much to say but that always requires me to actually sit down and
take the time to get all of those thoughts out of my head and onto here. Not so easy. I should really just scrap it and go back to a journal, a real life paper to pen experience....nah.

So.

I really wanted to talk about the dream that I had about Alyssa the other night. While it was still fresh
in my memories. I've had quite a few dreams about her the past few months and the one the other night
was one of those "felt so real" ones. I love those. When those come, I feel as though I really was with her, like she really was just sharing the same space with me. The dream was random but it all made sense as it was happening. Alyssa and I were sitting at a cafe somewhere, it was somewhere really busy because I remember people walking all over the place, rushing, talking, having coffee. She was sitting at the little table with me outside of the cafe and I knew that she was gone, yet she was sitting there right in front of my face. I asked her how is that she gets to be around me all the time? She told me that she can come around whenever I want her to be there, she told me that only I could see her. At that moment I remember feeling really sad and told her that she didnt have to feel as though she had to stay and sit around with me just to make me feel better, I remember saying, plus people are going to think Im a nutter sitting here talking to "myself" all the time. She told me it wasnt like that, that noone would notice me talking to "myself" I just felt really bad though thinking that she felt like she had to stay close to me so that I wouldn't be sad, but I remember in my dream feeling like I didn't want to resist her being around too much because I was afraid that in saying that...she would leave and not come back to visit me. She looked so cute. She had her legs kicked over the arm of her chair and her hair was up, I just remember I kept thinking...she looks french and she didn't have a care in the world and she was content.

I'll be back.

19.

She is 19 today. I miss the little days SO much. These 19 years have been so full of "goosebumps" with her for many reasons and I call them goose bumps because her nickname since the day she came home from the hospital has been Goose. Corbin named her that. I put her in his arms to hold and he looked at her and said, "She's so little, like a tiny little goose" and from then on...she was Goose. She has provided us with many goosebump moments over time some for instance, eating bacon grease straight from the pan, eating a cock roach, eating dog poop, eat butter crisco, drinking toilet water while using her little church shoe as a cup, do you see a pattern here? She was so little but around 9-10 she was forced to grow up faster than usual because Nico and I kind of lost our way during all of the things that we were going thru with Alyssa. Brenna became the "big sister" and was left alot in charge of Dominic and Lucas Although she loved being big sister and was very good at mothering I think it wasn't fair to her, looking back now, I know that it wasn't fair to her. Her little life felt the effects of her sisters, and then her parents as well. She should have been "little sister" for longer, alot longer. Shes got one heck of a strong will this is for sure, and when she wants something, or wants something to happen, she will make sure that it does. Thru all of this, over the years, shes grown into a beautiful big sister to Dominic and Lucas. She will forever be little sister to Alyssa and Corbin and to Nico and I, she will always be the little tiny Goose who colored her face with a green marker while she was supposed to be sleeping. She's ours and although we may have had some major epic fails as parents, we haven't always done things the right way and haven't always set the best example, we will still and forever be a family that sticks together.

 

all grown up.