get real.

As I sat here, staring at my computer screen, I thought about how the vibe in our house has changed as of late. I kind of expected it, I just wasnt sure exactly when it would happen. Apparently...its time. As we approach the one year mark since we lost Alyssa, I feel our home taking longer, deeper sighs, I can feel it, there is a heaviness looming over the Sobrito house and it's starting to chip away at everyones attitudes and daily lives. Ive heard from so many people how they have watched our family go thru this, how we are so strong, how our family is so amazingly close and united, and however I do appreciate the kind words and the uplifting outlook on how we all seem to be handling it...I think it is mostly viewed via Facebook or Instagram, therefore, let's face it, it is so incredibly easy to create this facade on a social network forum because you can pretty much choose how you want to come across, although when I take pictures with my iphone {because ever since I got my iphone I rarely pick up my "real camera" anymore...and just in saying that, that sounds funny because my phone isnt a camera but its what I use it the most for it seems like so my poor little Canon has taken a back seat to a bloody phone)

 Picking up where I just rabbit trailed away from, when I post pictures on those forums I am literally taking them in the moment, Im not trying to create any certain feel, or attitude, Im just trying to show little pieces of my daily doings. From those I think some times people are assuming that we are doing amazing, our family is so cute and creative and happy and doing so well....but things are not always as they appear. Lets just say not only does the camera add 10 lbs, the Instagram filters should be named "smoke and mirrors" Im just being real. Yes, we are coming along, yes we are a family, a family who loves one another, my kids are awesomely artistic and musical and gorgeous and Nico and I have been married for 24 years and have been together since we were 17

 Here is the part where there is #nofilter as they say on Instagram.... We are a family, a family who loves one another dearly, my kids fight, sometimes daily or ALL day. Brenna and I get into an arguement at least once a day, Dominic and Lucas literally can hardly be in the same room at the same time, Nico and I have been short with one another for what seems like months, Corbin left home for the first time and is doing the whole adult thing but we miss him, and in a sense there has just been a whole lot of freakin loss in this house this year. We fight, we argue, there probably have been quite a few days where "the sun has gone down upon our wrath" which I vowed as a teenager one night in my room while I was reading my Bible that I would never let happen in my relationships...never go to bed angry...well that commitment went right out the window this past year along with a whole lot of other things I thought I would never do. 

Our house has been sad. So heavy and sad. I want to just rip the curtains open to our souls and let light and happiness pour in, I know that we will always think of Alyssa, and there will be days that are harder than others but just like this morning, Brenna woke up so happy because she had a happy dream about Alyssa, those are the moments that pour light into our house. Im tired of feeling like we live in the house on Monster House...we are kickin it to the curb.

 I feel encouraged at least in knowing that although I know that I am nowhere near where I need to be as far as my relationship goes with Christ....He is there, I feel as though I have been abusing Him though and using Him for when I really feel like I need Him....this year...I have needed Him incredibly and I have spent many a night laying in my bed having these discussions with Him, debates, trying to make sense of things, begging for answers as to why Alyssa only got 22 years here, why? What in the world did she ever do? I have come to realize so much more this past year that everyone does have a story, although someone may looks so put together, so buttoned up and beautiful, underneath all of the curly fancy trappings....they could just be barely holding it together, they could have just lost someone, or a job, maybe even their minds. I say that part kind of lightly but kind of not because alot of times this year I have felt like I was losing my mind. I try to keep a strong front, to come across as, "WOW, she's so strong, she is really dealing with all of this so gracefully" perhaps sometimes that can be said and it would be true but there are an aweful lot of times it might be said or thought and its just so the opposite.

 Im not sitting here hanging streamers and baking a cake, making preparations to throw a huge pity party, Im just trying to get it out there that I like real. Just give me raw real emotion, not cute cliché quotes. I love my family with all that I have. Sometimes I want to drop kick them all to the moon and be done, but those thoughts are fleeting because at the end of the day I know that we love one another no matter what, we have risen above things so many times, we always seem to come out a little stronger, a little closer, my kids may fight, say mean things, cause hurt feelings but at the end of the day, They love eachother with such a passion, I am envious of them that I didn't have that with all of my own siblings. I have 5 completely and utterly passionate kids who are all in one way or another artistic brained and thinking and sometimes its like their systems are on overload and in being so passionate about things, that same passion is there during a disagreement. I just pray always that they dont lose that flame, I pray daily that that passion remains in each of them and that it is directed towards good, positive things in life. I am proud of every single one of them. I love my family and realize that we are human, we are flawed, and scarred, broken but not forever. 

We are just all trying to figure this all out on a daily basis, trying to get into a groove of knowing that Alyssa is gone, but keeping her alive in our hearts and in our home, talking about her, remembering her, loving her and missing her. We will find that groove in time, I know that we will. It may be crazy, but there isnt a day that goes by where I dont think of Alyssa, especially when I am in my bathroom getting ready for the day, I feel her in there all the time, perhaps because she spent alot of time in there talking to me while I would be doing my hair or she was doing hers...for whatever reason, I feel her there most, so I talk to her, in my head, but I talk to her, And Im thankful that I have a talking relationship with all of my kids, I love that Brenna and I have sushi time, and we can argue and in 5 minutes be sitting in her room staring at her cats or something, I love that I can have long talks with Corbin via text messages at midnight or 1 in the morning, if people read our texts that would be perplexed. Our topics are random but rich and full of depth....Im being serious about that too. We like to talk about life. Domo and I talk about pretty much anything...he makes me laugh daily and it hurts me to see him missing his sister so much. That really grabs me by the throat. It saddens me to the core. Lucas...I am just so thankful that he is still young and can be a source or kind of an escape from when things start feeling sufficated and gut-wrenching. He's a little light that shines 

 Nico...the amount of things that he has had to deal with, and has had shoveled on top of him, I don't see how he doesnt break, lately I have noticed a certain amount of hardening to his usual always jokey, upbeat soul. And I would like for the Nico to shine again who was the soldier of our house, Alyssas Nico Daddy, and the source of so much laughter. Pray for my family. Just you know....whenever we enter your thoughts We are peeling away the ugliness and the sadness as October 16th approaches, and even typing that my throat feels like it fills with such a dark lump. It feels like I could choke. Chokingonlyrics...that was Alyssas email address, maybe thats what Im choking on...words. Because I do feel like I have so much to say, its just getting it out thats the harder part. 

 I love love.