I feel like I just got dropped right into the middle of some bad movie.
Quite a few years ago I started this blog for our family and friends to read, I had kept up with it all pretty good
until the last couple of years, I kind of majorly dropped the ball with it and then found myself logged back in
back in May of last year to fill everyone in a little bit about almost losing Alyssa.....the last thing I typed was...
"shes alive"
wait...what? It's January 29th....and she's gone. Can the bad movie be over yet? Let me out, seriously, I
don't want to be a part of this scenario, roll the credits, turn the lights back on, I'm over this.
October 16th 2011 should have just been another day....it should have been the day that I was supposed to
wake up, shoot an awesome wedding, be surrounded by friends and family, hang out in San Fran the next
morning with Sofia...maybe have coffee and head back home to my boys....
October 16th 2011 I woke up, felt nervous for some reason, felt antsy, felt uneasy, shot an awesome wedding,
all the while feeling "off" the entire day but still enjoying the events of that day, looking around, I was surrounded by friends and family...all that was true, went back to the Valenzuela's and there is where the blueprint for that day changed...my phone rang, Nico spoke, I cried, I screamed, I think I made sounds that night that don't even have a descriptive word for them, they were sounds that came from such a deep part of my heart I pray to God I never hear myself make again in my lifetime.
22 years, 4 months and 11 days.
That's how long I got with her. Seriously? Ummmm really God? Did you think that maybe I wanted her longer?
When are you going to reveal to me the reasons for taking her so early? I get it but then I don't and for right now that is just going to have to be how it is, I haven't really found myself being angry at God...yet, maybe I never will have those feelings, I do however question why, which I think is probably pretty normal in situations like this...I know that some people probably would feel as though its wrong to even question God because it was "His will" that she be taken when she was...but was it? Im probably opening a giant can of worms in even asking that question...how about I just dont leave it an open-ended question?
There is a pretty big hole still there...in my heart...where when I breathe, I don't feel filled, I feel like I suck in...take deep breaths and it all just leaks out of the hole left there and I just can't seem to catch my breath. Im most certain that there will come a day when I find the fire again to feel whole again, but for now, Im feverishly just rubbing two sticks together hoping for something.
Sometimes when I close my eyes at night....I see her.....
I can hear her, its as if shes on the other end of the phone, telling me, "don't cry over me mum, please, I tell you that all the time, please don't cry over me"
Everything for her was a struggle, one of my comforts is knowing that the struggle is over.
I wish that everyone could have known her, could have heard her sing, could have sat and watched her draw, could have experienced her, I promise you, she would have made you laugh.
more tomorrow.
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